GOODBYE 2010!

The end of the year is here... 

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Get your own

To sum this year up… this year was a pretty great year for me. It had its ups and downs like every other year but overall the biggest complaint I have is that it’s cold outside! Lol

The first part of the year is always exciting to me just because I know that upcoming challenges will be approaching and of course my birthday – January 2^{nd :)}. I always wonder what I should expect and be prepared for, but the truth is, you never can be too prepared for life… it just comes and you just have to take it how it’s thrown at you.

In 2010, I started out the year pretty sad and disheartened because I was supposed to be volunteering in Panama and didn’t get to go… I had just graduated and hadn’t planned on being home so I wasn’t working yet. By March, I got my first post-grad job at Trax.com, which has been going really well and in June I was offered a full time position. I went to school for Criminal Justice and ended up a Marketing Research Analyst, which has taught me many things and allowed me to open up my experience to other industries. We’re a start-up company which is teaching me MANY things I’ll need when I open my company. I work with 3 other people, excluding my boss – all of which are under the age of 25 so it keeps the office pretty interesting and definitely fun. I also really did a huge push on my business stuff and in 2011 I will be doing WAY more of that and a little less of building everyone else’s “brand”. April was a roller coaster for me because I experienced death up close and personal for the first time in life. My Aunt passed away on the 9^th but then I was blessed with my 1^st nephew on April 13^th. It was definitely a whirlwind, but opened my eyes to the blessings I have and the way they are being presented to me. My nephew (and god-son) Brayden has been such a joy to my life for the past 9 months… he’s almost walking and already has 2 teeth, being an Aunt is an amazing feeling!! Summer was… well SUMMER, my all-time favorite part of the year of course. July brought an amazing man into my life that allowed me to see chivalry is DEFINITELY not dead. He’s everything I ever could have asked for and more & I thank God every day for blessing me with him and the love he shares with me. [I love you baby] – The rest of the year has been great. I’ve had many things to look forward to and be thankful for this year, and the holiday’s brought family time as my brother returned from school after finishing up his 3^rd semester at Morehouse College.

2011 will be nothing but great because I’m proclaiming that now. I know there will be things that I will not like and will not understand, but as I grow I’m realizing more and more how to accept and move on. I’m ready for what the year has in store as I embark on 2011 and 23 years!

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE & thanks for the support this year, expect more upcoming!

(As I always say about each new day… If 2010 was not a good one, YOU have the power to make 2011 better… use it!)

Knowing WHEN to Make That Change

While listening to John Legend’s “I can change”, I came across this thought: “Is changing about knowing WHEN to change or having someone WORTH changing for?”

Time and time again guys come across “good” females and vice versa and yet, choose to pass them up because they are not willing to put aside the games, the party life and the side pieces and close that little black book long enough to realize that they have something good right in front of them. So should we expect that people wake up one day and simply decide “Oh it’s time for me to grow up and work towards eventually being in a relationship”? Highly unlikely. I believe it’s something that is decided when you meet THAT person of quality that you’ve been “looking for” and then it’s up to you to realize what you have and decide to change your ways. When you come across the person that actually keeps your attention long enough and makes you not want to go out and find other people, that’s when the change comes naturally.

I’m not saying that this “change” requires spending Saturday evenings in the house reading and knitting and not having a social life anymore, it’s just about growing up a little and closing the bachelor/ette chapter of your life… at least for the time being. In the song, Snoop mentions ”When you find one like that, you have to make that change, cause they don’t come to often… and when they do come, you got to be smart enough to know when to change.” Everyone has the specs written out in their head about their prototype and qualities they prefer in their mate. When you meet that person, they’re vibe and attitude should make you WANT to do better. And that is exactly why no man (or woman) can be FORCED to give up a certain lifestyle or get rid of other people that they’re dating.

Change varies from person to person. There are a few people that need a whole re-vamp on their relationship etiquette, some just need to give up some habits here and there and others will just NEVER get it; those will be the single 40 year olds still trying to pick up girls at the club 15 years from now. It’s all about your own personal needs. If you’re a partier and you enjoy spending 4 nights a week in the club, by all means do you… however, don’t think for one second that your bf/gf is going to sit at home and wait around for you while you continue to party and most likely meet other people. If you are scared and always keep people on the side for fear of commitment, the bug just hasn’t gotten to you yet. One of these days you’ll meet someone to make you want to get rid of the others. After all, what will you need them for if this one has all the qualities you've ever wanted and more?

But ultimately, it takes realization and unfortunately for some, it’s realizing what you have before it’s too late. I’ve seen guys date a perfectly fine girl and tell me how great she is and this and that and RIGHT before he goes to get rid of the others because he sees he doesn’t need them, bam… she finds something out about him that completely ruins the situation. It happens every day… so if you are sitting in front of someone who you know should be cherished and done right by, do the right thing… or let them go. There is someone out there willing to make that CHANGE for them if you aren’t!

Social Networking and Relationships

Back in the day, relationships had to be so much simpler. There were so many less layers to things and so much has been added to the mix since. It’s funny because my mom always jokes with me about how much things have changed even in terms of the defining lines of being in a relationship. It’s so much more acceptable now to just be “talking to him” or “messing with her” – back then, either you were in a relationship or you weren't… there was no in between. And then, what about social networking? This adds a whole new element to the relationship. Is it okay to follow your bf/gf on twitter? Should you announce to all of Facebook when you get in a relationship?


Personally, I say no. If you followed your boyfriend or girlfriend prior to the relationship, then let it stay that way. When you first enter a relationship, it’s not necessary to go announce it to the world. Now, I do think that when asked by someone or if it comes up – it should be known, but it’s not needed to shout it to the world as soon as it happens. If you do follow your boyfriend or girlfriend on twitter, do it for the right reasons. Just like a cell phone, don’t go snooping in the conversations being had between them and other people because it comes down to if you trust them or not. If you have to go snoop and look for stuff and trust is lacking, you should be questioning your relationship from the beginning anyway. Similarly, just because someone doesn’t announce on Facebook that they are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that they AREN’T in one. Some people like to keep their information like that personal and prefer to keep their relationship secretive and out of the lime light. If that has been discussed between them, then that’s just it… there is no rule that letting the world know really makes it OFFICIAL.

I think that since they became popular, social networking sites have definitely caused problems in peoples relationships because most of the time people ALLOW them to. If you read too much into the #ineedagirlwho trending topic your man is tweeting about on Twitter, or you see a comment saying “Hey hun how are you” from a male on your girl’s wall on Facebook and flip out – you are allowing unnecessary things to cause problems in your relationship. As I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, “The Title is for the Public” – if you are only basing your love and affection from your partner based on his mentions towards you on Twitter or comments on your wall, you should probably reevaluate your relationship, because it sounds like all you are worried about is what the public is seeing of you all.

Ultimately, it comes down to how both of you all feel. If you all are both okay with putting that you are in a relationship on Twitter or following and tweeting each other on Twitter… then that most likely means it hasn’t caused a problem yet and shouldn’t. Just like anything else, the problem can be as big or small as you make it… Social networking is supposed to be fun, if used the right way… so don’t allow it to be anything more than what it was intended for in your relationship either.

Dishing My Review: For Colored Girls

Sunday, I went to see the Tyler Perry movie -- "For Colored Girls", based on the play “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf” by Ntozake Shange.

A lot of people kept saying how sad and depressing it was but I actually never dropped a tear and I’m usually a CRIER! So, before I went I googled the play to get a little overview of exactly how the suicide and rainbow came into play. Basically, each color in the rainbow is representative of each woman in the play and they each have a separate stories about their lives that are  shared through out  the play. 

So, yes while it was definitely dramatic (as Tyler Perry movies normally are) – it was also very REAL. I kept seeing a number of tweets saying how depressing it was but every account in the movie comes from a real life stand point and I know firsthand plenty of women who have been through things that the movie addressed. The movie dealt with abortion, rape, married men on the down low and AIDS, STDs, post war alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, holding onto a dead relationship, religion, mother daughter relationships, family molestation, and overall, the subtle connection that all black women share. I appreciated every single issue covered because unfortunately in our families and in our community, many people do not bring up or talk about these issues and solutions to them enough.

Many men felt (as they usually do with Tyler Perry movies) that they were “bashed” as usual and the movie gave good men in the world no credit. Well, that was pretty much the case, but this time, this wasn’t Tyler’s work. The film did not show a lot of positivity towards black males, but then again, despite the fact that there are good men left, a lot of our communities are still suffering and plighted by the issues that were addressed in the movie. Whether there are good black men still out in the world or not is beside the point when these issues are so dominant and often overlooked and ignored. I just feel like if you are truly a GOOD black male, you don’t need a movie to give you credit – for what? If you are TRULY a good man, you do your part regardless and aren’t looking for a handout, pat on the back or cookie for what you do. But, if you are a black male that feels this way about the movie – then do your part in the community to help others and get these issues heard and make sure that when you marry, you raise your daughter to RECOGNIZE the good black men and your son to BE a good black man.

I particularly enjoyed the poetic segments throughout the movie – which I know not everyone would like because some people just don’t “get” stuff like that. You definitely had to pay close attention to the words of the poems, and even I need to watch the movie again to pick up on some of the metaphors that were used. I also liked how in the beginning each of the women lived a separate life and went about their business each and every day (as most of us out here do) and in the end; they ended up intertwined because they shared so many similarities they initially had no idea about. This goes to show that each day as you walk by your sister in the grocery store, or pass each other on the metro going to work, you truly have NO idea what she could be dealing with or going through. People use smiles, laughter and make up to cover up a lot. As I sat in the theater, I had goosebumps because the bond of black women is undefined and unspoken. Each of us has our own struggles in life – some more extreme than others – but in the end, we share one single strand of similarity: being an African American woman, and that is something that no one else can take from us, no one else can identify with and no one else will truly understand until they walk in our shoes.

Be His Girlfriend, Not His Mom

This morning on the way into work, I received a text from my friend telling me my next blog topic was being talked about on a radio show. I turned and listened, trying to pick up the conversation and see what they were talking about. I heard female callers, calling in talking about how they take care of their man too much and some saying they liked taking care of their man because they like to be in control. In essence, the question of the day was – how much is TOO much, in terms of taking care of your man?

Some of the women calling in were mentioning that they enjoyed taking care of their man because it let them be in control of things. Other women complained that it was a love/hate thing: they loved taking care of their man, but hated having to do everything. The men mostly had a different opinion that no man should be taken care of by any woman, no matter what. Now, when they say “take care of”, I got out of it that they meant – doing everything for their man, from buying him things, cooking, cleaning, reminding him things, to wiping his ass (just kidding, but I’m sure there are women who almost wish they could, just because it allows them to control the situation and know what’s going on smh).

I think there is a thin line between A. taking care of your man in the sense of being his partner and working WITH him and B. the extreme of playing mother to him to the point where you end up babying him. It’s okay to show love to and appreciate him, in terms of showing support for what he enjoys, compromising and even sometimes knowing when to be submissive. If you are constantly following behind him and his every move, picking up after him, double checking to make sure he's done things... that's ridiculous.

Personally, I was raised in a way and am attracted to a “manly man”. So, while I don’t have a problem doing stuff myself, I still believe that men should be the fixer uppers of the house and women should cook and take care of certain other things. This is not to say that women can’t take the trash out or come home one day to a home cooked meal from their man or when she cooks, he can’t help out by washing the dishes, helping to do laundry, change the kids diapers, etc. I just believe in the traditional household, so I don’t think women should play into the whole overly “independent woman” cop-out. A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP – each person puts in their part and sometimes the woman will NEED the man, just like other times the man will NEED the woman.

If you have to constantly be in control of what your man or woman is doing, you might want to reconsider a relationship right now because that is not how it works. No one should be with someone who LETS them pay for everything or allows them to take on all of the responsibilities of the relationship. How long do you think that will actually work? There is no way that anyone you are considering for a long term partner should allow everything to fall into your lap. Every man was born from the womb of ONE woman -- their mother and unless you are her, there are some things you just should not have to do for him. It becomes easy for him to become used to something if it's something you started out doing from the beginning. Cater to your man, HELP him if he needs it, support his goals – but don’t enable him as a man by doing everything for him. Each person needs to play their part in terms of responsibility and more importantly accountability. So, sorry... I just can’t respect any man that allows a woman to do EVERYTHING for him – 2010 or not.

The conTEXT of Drunk Texts

It’s Saturday night and everyone’s out partying having a great time, drinks are flowing and the dance floor is packed. The party lasts all night and you wake up the next morning wondering how you even made it home. You stumble downstairs and grab some cold water and toast and plop down on the couch to catch some of Sunday’s football games. When you check your phone you see a series of texts that you don’t even remember sending between you and your ex about how you miss her…

… Or females, how about drunk texting the guy you’re really interested in but don’t want to come off too forward to. FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

Oh, the infamous “drunk texts”… we’ve all been there, it’s happened to the best of us. But, how should they be taken by the receiver? Do we read drunken texts (or bbms) as people say we should – “a drunk persons words are a sober man’s thoughts” OR do we just ignore them and not take them serious because they can’t man up and say it to us when they are sober anyway?

Ehh. No one wants to sit there and have to read between the lines trying to figure out if the person is serious or not. There are different types of drunk people: those that just embellish their thoughts a little when they drink, and those that become completely different people. If you are the type that sends crazy or obnoxious messages when you get drunk, maybe you should leave your phone in your purse or in the car – or erase your ex’s number so there’s no chance of it happening. If you wake up in the morning and find that you had a whole convo of drunk texting with someone and said some things you probably shouldn’t have, clear it up by letting them know you were drunk and said some things you normally wouldn’t.

If you are the receiver of constant drunken 4 am texts – set some boundaries and don’t text them back. Let the person sending the texts know that you can’t take their texts seriously and if they are really trying to get to you know, that’s definitely not the way to do it.

I personally just don’t entertain the drunk calls, texts or anything else. I do think it is about reading in between certain lines though. For instance, if the person never hits you up or says what’s on their mind when they are sober and 3 drinks in, the words and texts start pouring out – that says a lot about their communication skills and not in a good way. If someone ONLY texts you when they’re drunk at 3 and 4 am… that shows you where they are at. They aren’t looking for a dinner date, they’re looking for dessert and by entertaining them you’re letting it be known that it’s okay and acceptable to only be hit up when they have been drinking. At the end of the day, it’s all about what type of message you are trying to get across and if it only happens when drinks are flowing then most likely you are sending them the wrong message about how you want to be approached.

How Soon is "too soon" to Move On?

Recently, I was talking to someone and they made a comment about the moving on time in relationships -- suggesting that there was “too quick” of a time for someone to be dating someone new after breaking up with their last partner. So, does the relationship manual of life set a time that is okay and socially acceptable to be dating a new person after a break-up, or is it just something each person has to gauge for themselves?

For starters… I don’t think it’s okay to follow what is socially okay simply for the acceptance of society; I’m all about doing what makes YOU happy. Meaning: NO there is not a set time that you have to have between one relationship to another because it’s a made up rule. I think a lot of timing in relationships is about comfort levels and the depth that your relationship transpires at. Everyone moves at their own rate in terms of opening up to someone and getting comfortable. In some situations you and someone just click instantly so you grow together quicker. The amount of time you all spend together matters too. For example, you could meet someone and get to spend every waking moment together from the day you meet, or you could meet someone and only get to see them once a week. This slows down the process of building a consistent bond. And then other factors like what you all are both looking for at the time when you meet, past baggage, etc… play into the situation as well.

Your relationship with the last person could have been going on for 2 years but you got cheated on a year into the relationship and stayed with the person for the sake of love and “making it work”… technically your heart was out of it the moment you found out you got cheated on and you knew that soon it was naturally going to come to an end. Or let’s say you and your partner live in two different places and you all are holding on to the last thread of your long distance relationship. One of you all has started getting close to someone else (not that I condone it, but it happens) – a couple months later you break up with them finally realizing it had been over. In these situations, the time it takes to move on to someone else seems short because in all actuality your heart has been out of the first situation before you even entered the second – whether you were actually in a relationship with the person or not.

Other times, moving on happens naturally, over time and can happen quicker just depending on the timing of things. I think the important thing is just making sure you aren’t using the 2nd relationship as a rebound. Don’t jump from one thing to another for the sake of having someone around. Not okay. If you were the one who got broken up with, you should probably take a little bit more time to get over the person because it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship… so your heart is most likely still attached. If it was a bad break-up, I also say give it a little time just for the sake of understanding mistakes that were made so that they are not made again in the new relationship.

At the end of the day, if it feels right to you and your partner… do you! You two are the only people in your relationship and the only thoughts that matter when it comes down to it. Friends and outsiders are going to make comments or judge if they think you are moving too quickly but ultimately if it feels right… embrace the feeling :)

Cutting People Off: Why It’s Best for Everyone

Knowing how to properly cut someone off can be useful in various situations:

Everyone knows that when talking to (or “dating”) a bunch of different people… eventually you find one that moves up the list pretty quickly and over the others. It’s pretty inevitable that if you are dating 5 people at once, probably about 2 of them are just people that you can kick it with but don’t have much potential for more, 1 of them is pretty fun but you all don’t chill very often and haven’t gotten that close and then maybe 1 is the one that you see potential in but still wants to live the single life and you’re closer to settling down – then there’s the ONE – the one that you could definitely see longevity with, you have tons of fun with and you’re getting closer to it just being exclusive with them.

Or maybe you have the lingering ex that you just can’t get rid of and you don’t want your communication with him/her to jeopardize something you are building with the new person you’re “talking to”.

In each scenario it comes down to efficient communication. If you are serious about the new person you are dating, and you see a future with them – there is no reason to keep the old baggage around.

In the case of other people you were talking to, you and them haven’t moved forward to become something closer for a reason. Either you two aren’t as compatible or they aren’t ready for this point. You can’t force them to get there so why not stick with what is making you happy. If the new person you are dating thinks that you two are mutually moving towards something exclusive, it’s not fair to them to have all of these people lingering around. And really, most of the time other people are kept around is out of fear and safety. Fear that the new person might do something wrong or stop talking to us and safety because it feels safe to have more people to deal with rather than just one… for the “just in case”. Talk to the other people you were dating and let them know that you are working towards building something serious with someone and you can’t see them on that level anymore. You would like to remain friends but that’s the level it has to be kept at from this point forward.

If you have the ex lingering around… make sure either the new person knows about them and you alls potential to possibly get back together or… get rid of them! They are your ex for a reason and if you all have potential to get back together, in my opinion, it’s only right that the other person know what type of situation they are dealing with or have gotten themselves into. If you honestly have no intention of getting back with your ex, why keep them around? It’s not fair on both parts – to the ex: because you are letting them think there is still a chance and to the new person: because you aren’t being completely honest and OMITTING information is just as bad as lying. The same thing applies here, communicate with them and don’t allow their feelings to make you feel bad or guilty. If you all are truly over, then while they might not understand – they have no choice but to respect that you have moved on and are no longer dealing with them.

Make everyone’s lives easier (including yours) and be open and honest from day one… that way 6 months down the road when you want to actually be in a relationship with that person, no one’s feelings are hurt… or at least if they are, they can’t say you never told them!

Makes OR Breaks

Ever met a seemingly attractive person in the beginning that’s conversation was just almost perfect and then on the second date you get a better glimpse of them and there is something that just isn’t right to you? For instance, they were wearing a hat when you met them but take it off and have grey hairs; they had a head full of weave (which you thought was real) but then take it out and have no more than an inch of real hair; they were in work clothes the first time you all met and come to find out they have NO sense of style or fashion. What about someone with a great personality but does annoying things that are less physical? Like someone who constantly smacks their lips or licks their fingers when they eat, or an overly loud laugh… someone who makes stupid obnoxious jokes?

When do you make the decision on what is a MAKE and what is a BREAK – in terms of deciding whether or not to date this person?

In my opinion, it’s all about the amount of annoyance their attribute or trait causes you. If you’ve only spent time with them once, give it a second chance. See if their personality outweighs whatever it is that you “can’t stand”. If you give it say… about a month, you might actually come to find out that they have a great genuine personality that outweighs any negative. Then, after you two have gotten a little more comfortable you can suggest or hint to them something about what bothers you. If in a month’s time, you like the person so much that you forgot what was even bothering you to begin with – it clearly wasn’t even that big of a deal. Now, if you get to the 2^nd outing and that’s all you can focus on, then maybe you should make that the last date. Just time it and see where it takes you. There are a few times something has bothered me, either I’ve spoken up or let it slide and 3…4 months down the road it didn’t matter anymore or it was fixed. Either way, you might be missing out on a good thing by just letting the person go off of something so small so don't make everything so black and white. Take the time to figure out if it's something you can live with or not and then make a decision!

Women Take Responsibility!

Question of the year: Why is it that I constantly hear women running around screaming about how “n*ggas aint shit” and bashing their exes and babies fathers – but never taking any responsibility for choosing that man to be with or father their child?

Now there is a complete difference between:

A. Being with a good man and him just playing you to the left and... 

B. You KNOWING he wasn’t about anything before you got with him and thinking you had the ability to change him and getting mad 6 months or a year later when he cheats on you or you end up pregnant with his child and he leaves the situation. To those that thought they actually had a good man & then later found out that wasn’t the case… this doesn’t necessarily apply to you. To the man bashers… keep reading…

I just think that it is simply unfair and completely wrong for us (as females) to sit around and talk about what the man we are or were dealing with is doing or did and just let it be what it is. Relationships are politics, except you have the one and only vote. If you don’t like how the Mayor, Governor or President is running things in your community or country – you voice your opinion by voting. Same rule applies in a relationship; you have the right to voice your rights and if you don’t like what you’re seeing – impeach him!

There is absolutely no excuse for any woman to be sitting around bashing a man for something he did to her, yet showing him that she is accepting it by taking no action. Where is your responsibility in everything? Or would you rather play the dumb damsel in distress? When you meet a man… in the club, grocery store, church… wherever, from that moment on you are playing 50% in what you allow to happen to you.

Oh and I’m not sure what makes ANY woman think [excuse my French] that her p*ssy is just SO good that it can turn a man from a dog to a gentleman. If he was a dog before you met him and you knew that, if he was a dog to you when you met him and you accepted it… you have no right to complain when you let him become your man and he cheats or your baby’s father and he’s a dead beat.  

Seriously… want better for yourself…

As females, we need to take more responsibility and more time and patience when choosing the man we want to be OUR man. This is why becoming friends FIRST is imperative. Build a strong foundation and be patient when learning about each other. Never think that you will be that “special one” to change this man into what you want him to be. The last girl couldn’t do it, and most likely you won’t be the one to either. Get out of the fantasy world and stop adding to the fatherless generations of children produced day in and day out. I’m just so sick of women pointing all the fingers at men when that was the man you CHOSE to lay down and make that child with. Having a baby by him is not going to keep him around, keep him from cheating, or keep him in the house. If he is a good man, he will be a good man regardless but if you’ve seen the “dog” signs in him… please let him go. By keeping him around all you are doing is adding to the problem. 

Don't Be Shallow Hal

Why some females prefer a "less attractive" man...

Have you ever been out and seen a beautiful female trouncing down the sidewalk holding the hand of a not so attractive guy and wonder… what the hell are those 2 doing together? It happens everyday, and people constantly complain about seeing it. But, why?

I frequently (usually half-jokingly) mention that I have a love and attraction for “ugly men”. Last night I tweeted saying that I am not a shallow person and this is proven by my attraction to less attractive males. Now, to clarify before I get into my opinion on them, I don’t go out in the world searching for a mediocre man. Nor do I purposely date “below” myself to make myself feel better or to raise my esteem. Anyone that knows me knows I have more confidence than a little bit.

A lot of females actually agreed with my opinion and all of the males of course were enthralled with why I felt the way I did. My reasoning behind my comment though is that I’ve been approached by/ gotten to know/dated a pretty wide spectrum of guys with different looks. And I’ve definitely found that no, while not ALL really sexy guys lack in personality, about 75% of them are full of themselves and just not my type. I’ve found that the more mediocre men do seem to have overall better qualities, treat females better and are WAY more humble. Someone asked me how do the “ugly” guys know that they are ugly and do I tell them. Of course not! It’s not necessary. I guess, I shouldn’t actually categorize them as “ugly” because obviously I find many things about them attractive. But to mainstream society I guess they would be “decent” or “mediocre”. In reality, people’s attractiveness and unattractiveness comes down to personality and attitude. There are plenty of females I know that tons of guys will have sex with but no one will date because while they might be a 10 on the outside, their personality is UGLY. They have attitudes, drama and because of their looks think they are God’s gift to everyone. Guys are no different. Many of the really attractive guys I meet are great on the surface, and definitely yummy eye candy. But, once you get down to it, they know they look good and because so many females have jumped hoops and bent over backwards every which way for them, they seem to think everyone is going to do the same. NEGATIVE. They just got marked down 3 points. So as far as I’m concerned, while they might appear to be 10’s – they too are just 6’s or 7’s.

I also think that while a less attractive man might have less to lose and might get less quantity of females – their odds are higher at getting a better QUALITY female. This is because woman like myself will date/give a man a chance who may be a 6 or 7 look wise, but makes up for it in a multitude of areas: they have a great personality, they are more caring, appreciate more, have eclectic style, etc. In the end it’s all about remaining HUMBLE. If you look good, and clearly you KNOW you look good and everyone around can SEE you look good – do you really have to walk around letting everyone know?

Don’t get my words mixed up now – I’m not saying that when a good man that is very attractive comes along I discount him simply because I think he will be a jerk, that’s not the case. It just helps to have an even balance. And if a less attractive man with a wonderful personality comes along, I would take him over the conceited stank attitude man, ANY day. I will end the same way I ended the convo last night: “For the record, I don’t actually go after unattractive men. It’s just usually how my attraction works out. And for the record -- I’m not sure why all of you guys are automatically categorizing yourselves as attractive. Be careful, you might fit in the “ugly” category too!” *wink*

Bag Lady: Learning to LET GO of All That Baggage

Just like a new purse or piece of luggage, the “emotional baggage” we carry in our lives comes in all shapes, forms and characters. It can be an old relationship you’re holding onto, maybe it’s an ISSUE from the relationship that you just can’t let go of, a fight you had with friends that you’re holding a grudge on one of them for, something your parents did (or didn’t do) when raising you, a regret you may have with yourself… among many other things. No matter the type, size, or condition of the bags – sometimes it’s just time to buy some new stuff. Revamp your image a little and feel good about having something new… a new beginning. Similar to the problems everyone goes through in life, the daily bags that you carry can eventually just weigh you down and prevent you from having your eyes open to something positive right in front of you. Erykah Badu expressed it best in her song “Bag Lady” & her lyrics below are a prime example of what I mean about baggage…

“Bag lady you gon’ miss your bus, 

You can't hurry up, cause you got too much stuff
When they see you coming, N*ggas take off running... 

From you it's true oh yes they do”  --Erykah Badu

B-R-O-K-E-N    D-O-W-N:

“Bag lady you gon’ miss your bus” – meaning, you are going to miss an opportunity for something in life when it’s right in front of you

“You can’t hurry up, cause you got too much stuff” – you can’t run to catch the bus (achieve something, get the man of your dreams, get that promotion at work you want) because you are carrying too much baggage… the baggage is blocking your view of something right in front of you and weighing you down preventing you from being able to reach out and grab that goal of yours

“When they see you coming, n*ggas take off running” – who wants someone who has a whole lot of baggage? Whether you are trying to start a new relationship or meet a new friend… people have enough issues of their own, why would they want to start something that should be fresh and positive with someone who is bringing so much negative to the start of something?

The moral is: take a few minutes out of your “busy” life and think about the amount of baggage you are carrying around on a daily basis. How long have you been carrying some of those bags? Weeks? Months? Maybe even years? It’s unnecessary, unhealthy and really just pathetic. If you need to forgive someone for something, you have to forgive yourself first… start at the root of the problem and put your pride to the side. Think about WHY it’s necessary for you to still be upset with them and what good it’s doing in your life. Do you think they are sitting around thinking about you the same way? Most likely… no (and if they are, let them WASTE their time). You are causing damage to your spirit by not allowing yourself to forgive and forget things. You have this weight on your shoulders that brings down your overall mood because while you might smile on the outside, something is constantly bugging you on the inside. You cannot truly begin a new relationship or grasp an opportunity without having a clear focus and not bringing old issues into something that should really be refreshing. Your man (or girl) does not want to hear about allllllllllll of the negative things from a past relationship… all you are proving is that you have tons of baggage and are not really over your past. So today, take each piece of baggage you own, open it, search through it's contents and throw away what you do not need. Embrace the good, get rid of the bad & allow yourself to embrace what is right in front of you… that’s all it takes!

Let it go, let it go, let it go… 

Seasons of Love ♥

Lately I’ve been seeing (and hearing) a lot of talk about “bunnin season” – which essentially means when the winter season approaches and people start deciding they want to be cuddled up with someone in the house and spend time with one person on a consistent basis. Whereas, during spring/the coming of summer and warm weather it’s time to drop that “main boo” and talk to whoever/date around. I know that for the most part it’s all in jokes and fun but some people really do this and feel like it is unacceptable to be consistent based on the change of a season. But in reality… if you have serious feelings for someone, real love and/or feelings don’t change when the seasons change.

Yesterday I was reading an article on Necole Bitchie’s blog, by Dr. J (who has written multiple articles on her site on the topic of Love and Relationships) entitled “When is the right time to say I Love You” – so one of his comments from the article was:

“Me personally, I believe you should at LEAST wait two seasons.  (There’s tons of research and analysis done on the power of the seasons and their relation to relationships.)  If we meet in the Spring, I don’t expect to hear you love me until Thanksgiving.”

Hmm. The verdict is still out on how many people agree with this. But, I’m going to break down my opinion on love and timing. When it comes to feelings and love, I believe it’s all about FEELING, not necessarily timing. When I say “feeling” I mean in terms of how YOU feel about the other person, how THEY feel about you and how you all feel about YOUR relationship. There are some people that consider themselves in a relationship with someone they have been with for a year but haven’t seen but once a month for that year. Others have been with someone for 3 months but have spent every waking moment with that person for the past 3 months. In either relationship, someone could consider the feeling of love towards the other person. I think the problem is too many people try to play the “timing game” and think about relationships and love in terms of how long they’ve known the person and when is “the right time” for certain things. Love doesn’t automatically show up in 3 months or a year… it shows up when the feelings appear. When things get too technical like that, that’s when it becomes unnatural and you step in the way of your feelings. Whether you like a person or not, the feelings are clear, even when it comes to friends and enemies. And I believe that when you have strong feelings for someone it’s inevitable, try fighting it all you want. Now everyone has different definitions of love. Me, I don’t try to define it because I think that it honestly can’t be explained. It’s just something you know. Based on your communication with that person, you alls interactions, the way you FEEL when they are around you… etc.

I also do not believe that it takes at least 2 seasons to love someone. Not saying that you shouldn’t wait a while to MAKE SURE it’s love and not lust… that definitely is important but I just don’t think you should limit it by saying, “Oh well, we’ve only been dating for 4 months, so I can’t say it yet.” I believe it should be based on the situations you all go through, the reactions to those situations and the relationship you all have built together and the way it feels. Go with instinct, if you don’t think it’s love… it’s probably not. Now this whole “bunnin season” thing… LOL is all I can say if you truly do that. Be consistent year round, not just when winter hits.

[dot][dot][dot]

::blogger's block::

Sorryyyy guys... have tons of topics to write about but my mind is drawing a whole lot of blanks. I was telling someone the other day that when I try really hard to write, it never comes naturally and I have a lot of trouble getting things out. But, if I'm randomly out somewhere I can write tons of stuff... no problem. SO yeah, be back tomorrow with something good... still xoxo yall & thanks for reading & supporting!! ;)

--until then-- 

My Mouth [to your] Mind...
(a few random & insightful quotes I heard this weekend that I heart!)

"We are not products of our environments, we are products of our expectations"

"A woman needs a man who is hungrier for God than he is for her"

[[a dish of nothing -- ♥ msAMARSE]]

Embrace – Don’t Hate: Diary of a [constantly] Angry Black Woman

What would the diary of a [constantly] angry black woman with a permanent attitude look like? What type of scenarios would she encounter on a daily basis? What type of people would she attract?

Well for one… she would probably be the type of girl (yes, “girl” because as a woman you have put childish acts & unnecessary drama behind you) that always walked around telling everyone that she “doesn’t get along with females” and the couple of “friends” that she does actually have probably act just like her, if not worse. She probably goes to work (if she has a job) and does the bare minimum and every time she is asked to do something, she gives a whole bunch of LIP… IF she has a man, she’s constantly nagging him and even though he’s a good guy, she’s always accusing him of doing something and nothing he does is ever right or good enough for her. She’s always the first one complaining and the last one taking action to correct whatever is going wrong. She spends her extra waking moments talking shit about other people and hating on other women, and before she goes to sleep at night when she looks in the mirror at herself – she’s probably completely unhappy with what she sees (because to genuinely share good feelings for and with another person, you have to feel good feelings for yourself FIRST). 

-- sound like you, or someone you know? Keep reading -- 

So, why is it that women are SO quick to hate on one another? Why are there just some women in the world that are so EVIL and NEGATIVE that even if you handed them the world on a silver platter, would just never be happy? I’m convinced it’s an epidemic. I’ve witnessed a pretty girl walk by someone and all her & her friends can do is tear her down. The girl was on point, hair done, pretty face, body tight, cute outfit & rocking some BAD heels… But yet the first comment out of one of the girls mouths was “Ugh she thinks she’s cute” – or “Her hair isn’t real”, etc, etc… so many women are quick to rip each other apart when they sense someone is competition to them. This is a sign of inferiority, symptoms of jealously and definitely a whole lot of insecurity. It is impossible for someone who doesn’t truly feel confident in themselves and what they have to offer to feel GENUINE happiness for other people.  I’m sure we all have that friend that no matter WHAT you say to them about accomplishments going on in your life, they have to one up you and tell you what they are doing that is SOOO much better. Yep. That fits the insecure checklist too. Most likely, she’s probably friends with the girl I described first above. But, just know… the girl that walked by, you know the one that got hated ON – she has her stuff together, she’s happy, complete and full of life… oh AND the good man (that the negative girl is searching endlessly for) the positive girl's got him. Because she’s comfortable with herself and she knows that there will ALWAYS be someone better, prettier, freakier, richer, etc… but to TRULY be happy, you have to accept what you have, have confidence in it, and enjoy YOUR own life. The rest will fall into place naturally.

I will just never understand why so much negative energy is invested in hating on each other. Sitting on the metro yesterday I just watched the dynamics of groups of white people and black people (not to make this an issue of race, but this is just what I observed) – a group of white people introducing new friends to each other, shaking hands, sharing jokes, conversations about work, and in the end, they exchanged business cards with each other – Ding! Ding! Ding! – CONNECTIONS & NEW ASSOCIATES! Yet, time and time again, I see this situation replayed among black women and the closed-mindedness of them doesn’t allow them to even get as far as a simple conversation. We have got to do better ladies!! We need to work to build each other up and pull each other to the top instead of hating and spreading negative energy. If you see a woman with her hair looking good, COMPLIMENT her! Ask her where she got it done, so you can look just as nice. If you see a woman doing something positive with her life, don’t be JEALOUS! Ask how you can contribute and maybe she can help you work your way to that point. Use every opportunity in a positive way and you will reap positive rewards. Don’t nag your boyfriend about every little thing; pick and choose your battles! APPRECIATE him and what he does; our black males need to be built up because the world is constantly tearing them down (without any of that from us).

I could go on & on about this topic but seriously – remember KARMA is a never ending circle. You put positive energy into the world, it will return to you. And you never know who is witnessing your attitude… so from today on… 
EMBRACE, don’t hate :)

My Mouth [to your] Mind

Just remember when you're sitting across the table at dinner from that very attractive person who is DUMB AS ROCKS & you two have nothing to converse about... looks only get you SO far in life ;)

Traditions Lost?

In today’s society, many of the traditions, morals and values that our parents were taught from their parents and grandparents have been lost along the way before reaching many of the young people in our generation. Unfortunately - between the babies raising babies & the media filling our head with so much junk, telling us how we should live our lives, we’ve gotten pretty lost in the mix… (in my opinion).

I’m an old-fashioned type of girl… maybe a little too old fashioned at times. But I believe what I believe and think that part of the reason that people think chivalry is lost, gone or dead is because people either haven’t learned it OR because we have dismissed the basis of traditions our parents and grandparents were raised on. I understand that some things have to change over time – given the way technology is now; we’ve had to adjust to things accordingly. But, I think some things are just important because they help keep families and marriages together. This brings me to a recent twitter poll I did based on one done by the @Kaneshow (local radio station if you’re not familiar). The question asked to their listeners was – Should men still have to ask for permission or approval from the father of the woman before they propose and ask for her "hand in marriage".

My twitter poll produced mixed results – slightly different from the outcome I predicted. Half of the males that answered said yes, it is important to ask for approval from the father before proposing. About 75% of the females that responded said yes as well (which I figured would be 100%). Many of the responses were that the man should not have to ask for “permission” but maybe approval or simply just give the father a “heads up” that he’s going to propose soon. Others gave responses such as “its not up to the family or father just between the two people you’re not marrying the family” (via @thegenius215) and “not for PERMISSION, but maybe advice or for opinions... he should only be asking the gf parents for her hand in marriage” (via @adriboo1104).

My stance on it is YES. A few decades ago, almost everyone participated in this tradition -- whereas nowadays only 1 in 6 men ask the father for his daughter’s hand in marriage. Someone thought I was almost crazy because I actually value my family’s opinion on what type of man I am going to decide to spend the rest of my life with. This proves to me how much society has devalued marriage and its seriousness and also gives me indication on why people treat divorce just as common as marriage. I just think that not only are you marrying that person, but you are marrying their family as well. I want my family to be able to be around my man, enjoy his company, LIKE him and what he’s about – and vice versa. When you get married and take those vows, your family is a witness and they are also vowing on that day that they will do everything in their power to keep you all together and help you though any tough times. It’s a team effort.

I just think that we need to remember some of the traditions that were laid out early on and embrace/go back to them if we want our families and marriages to coincide. Just because it's 2010, doesn’t mean everything needs to change. I'm a daddy's girl & my family's approval is very important to me, so I know whoever I marry BETTER ask my dad for approval before proposing to me. No, really though... if you're reading this, just know! LOL.

:: A little dish to end your night. XOX <3

Dishing HEALTH

Why is it that when people are in need of a new pair of shoes or groceries they head straight to the store? Or when they haven’t seen a friend in a while they make sure to pencil some time in to hang out with them… but when it comes to an annual check-up, so many people can’t remember the last time they’ve had one. A few weeks ago, I mentioned that I was heading to the doctor and everyone’s first response was “What’s wrong with you?” – Not that I don’t appreciate the genuine concern, but I’m just curious as to why something had to actually be WRONG with me for me to be heading to the doctor. Just as people get their nails and hair done and keep up with their physical appearance on a regular basis—annual visits to the doctor should be handled no differently.

I’ve noticed a trend that after college many people do not go to the doctor for various reasons.

1. Pride – It is no secret that many people do not visit the doctor for FEAR of what the doctor could find, this is an epidemic, especially in the African American community in our MALES. Please people; do not let your fear prevent you from being healthy and knowing about what’s going on with your body. Yes, going to the doctor can be scary, but it would be even scarier to find out way after it is too late, that you have Cancer, AIDS or anything else out there. We have the highest rates of high blood pressure and high cholesterol – among other things. There are simple ways these can be treated with regular doctor’s visits.

2. Ignorance – Many people think that just because they don’t “feel” anything wrong with their bodies that they are okay and healthy. This is the biggest misconception ever. Actually most of the time (as we’ve learned in sex education and other health classes) many diseases do not show any signs until much later or maybe never, and many times until it is too late to be treated properly when you actually start “feeling” something in your body. If things are detected in the early stages, they can be examined, and the necessary treatment can be administered. I had a friend’s mom who died of breast cancer because she was not regularly seeing the doctor for check-ups and by the time it was detected, it was too late and the cancer was malignant.

3. No insurance – Guess what, this is NO EXCUSE! There are plenty of FREE places out there that you can go to that will give you a check up for little to no money and no insurance is needed. In my opinion, spending $50 for a doctor’s visit once a year is definitely worth more than my LIFE! Check out health fairs, free clinics and check the newspapers and internet for when organtizations are giving free HIV/AIDS tests, check-ups, etc. And just for the “lazies” out there I’ve posted a couple helpful links below for those of you with no insurance:

- www.plannedparenthood.org -- (not just if you are expecting, you can get check-ups, and birth control and other prescriptions here as well)

-www.hrsa.gov/ -- (offers some resources to doctor’s at a low cost and sometimes for free)

Not only are check-ups vital for your own protection but also for your partners and family’s as well. If you are not getting check-ups or STD tests, how many people that you have slept with do you think are getting them? Now think about you and them plus how many people you each have slept with (if you even know the REAL number), plus the people they have slept with, and the people THEY have slept with, etc. ::CRINGE:: This is why AIDS and other common STD’s (Herpes, Chlamydia, HPV) are spreading at the rate that they are. Now for your family – think about how important you are to them and vice versa. If you aren’t getting checked up regularly (once a year or MORE) – you could suddenly get fatally sick because of something that really could and should have been prevented from doctor’s visits.

You got your hair done on Friday. You partied last weekend. You watched all of the football games on Sunday. But you haven’t been to the doctors in 3 years? See the negative trend?

MAKE HEALTH YOUR #1 PRIORITY.

---until the next dish ♥

Ladies, just give sports a TRY!

Today is a perfect crisp (almost) fall day with a nice breeze and some sunshine. Feels like football season to me!! In light of tonight being the official kickoff of the football season, I’ve decided to do a little convincing to women that they should give sports a chance. I know it’s hard to sit there and watch your man and his friends watch endless hours of football, basketball, boxing, soccer, whatever… but it’s necessary! The same way we can step foot in a mall and visit EVERY SINGLE store and try on countless amounts of clothing and shoes and feel completely satisfied with our day equates to how men feel about sports. I know sometimes we feel we come 2^nd priority to sports and spend hours during the sports seasons feeling pretty neglected by our men, but try looking at it a little different and giving it a try.

In my opinion sports doesn’t interest many women because it wasn’t pushed on us as a child, no one was constantly there putting a football or basketball in our hands and pushing us to have an aggressive nature. Whereas, to men this is 2^ndnature… it’s a natural part of their being. I grew up watching my little brother play all types of sports, in particular football… so I’m a little biased with my love for them. However, there are actually a few perks to watching sports if you’re not “into” the games like that. I mean who doesn’t like the game atmosphere or seeing sexy sweaty men running around in tight pants tackling each other? LOL.

No but really, sports actually aren’t all that bad. There’s a lot to learn but once you get the hang of the basics and keep up with the games it’s actually a great feeling to know that you understand what you’re watching, like learning a new subject. It gives you a chance to become familiar with something new you might have never thought about getting into. Guys are impressed with a girl who might not necessarily UNDERSTAND what they are watching, but are at least willing to try for their man. If he’s willing to stand around with you for hours holding your bags while you shop; it would be a pretty nice gesture for you to at least try to watch/learn a game or two with him. If you’re into cooking, make some nice snacks and get some beer or his favorite drink for the game and surprise him by actually trying to understand what you’re watching. It’s also pretty cool if you two aren’t into the same team so there’s a little rivalry. It’s all in fun and any good man would appreciate his woman trying to be into something he loves. Plus, by watching some games with him, you get to get some quality time in together, which is what you really want anyway. A little goes a long way! HAIL REDSKINS!! :) *RIP #21*