10 Qualities That Make a Female a ‘10’

We hear guys judging females all the time by numbers… “She’s a 10” or “Dang, she’s not even a 5” (that’s BAD! Lol). But lately, I've been curious… what exactly makes a female a 10? I asked this over Twitter and many considered it only a physical thing, but in my book it goes deeper. Yes, when a 10 walks in to a room, everyone notices… but it’s not just for her looks, it’s her presence and self-assurance as well. When you meet a ‘10’ you only THINK she’s a 10 based on how she looks, but give it 6 months or so, then tell me if she’s still a '10' or not. It takes more than the physical for a female to live up to that because we all know looks only get you SO far in life. Below are what 10 things I think a female needs to really be considered a TEN.

Physically attractive WITH upkeep – sorry but it isn't enough to just be an attractive female, you have to keep up with yourself too. If you pulled a guy because you had a tight body, hair was done, toes had a fresh pedicure… etc. then that needs to be kept up! There is nothing worse than a “weekend girl”. Gets all done up for the weekend to go out but catch her during the week WITHOUT the makeup, weave and all her goods out and she is straight TRASH. You don’t have to always walk out of the house glammed up but you have to have enough natural beauty that doesn’t require all the fake things to make you attractive.

Inside beauty to match the outer – there is nothing worse than an attractive female that knows she’s attractive AND has to run around telling everyone too. If you’re pretty or have a banging body, everyone can see that, let them notice! Looks will only get you so far and having a nasty attitude doesn't help one bit. A 10 is not only beautiful on the outside, but has a beautiful presence as well. People want to be around her because she’s positive, humble and down to earth. Without a positive attitude you will never be a complete package!

Not afraid to show her intelligence – a '10' is able to show the world how smart and well versed she is and she can carry on a conversation with just about ANYONE! She isn't the girl that only knows about what's going on with the latest Hollywood celeb drama or who's sleeping with who in the office. She's concerned with knowing things like politics, sports, stocks and bonds and traveling too.

She’s a ‘ride or die’ chic – now, when I say ‘ride or die’ I definitely don’t mean a female that will stick by you as you repeatedly get locked up or who will let you sit around with no job and free load off of her. Those aren’t ‘ride or dies’, they are dumb chics who need to realize their self-worth. When I speak of a ride or die chic, I generally mean someone who is loyal. Whether it be to their friends, or to their man – they are always there for them for support, assistance, or just an ear to listen to when you need them.

Lady in the streets, freak in the sheets – be a LADY at all times. There should be no reason you are running around cussing your man out in public, showing everything to everyone or known by EVERYONE and not in a good light. The quiet, chill girl ALWAYS gets hit on… notice that? It’s because she doesn’t have to constantly be seen and heard. In the same instance, when it comes down to it you gotta be a freak for your man. I didn’t say HOE, I said FREAK. Big difference. A 10 knows when the appropriate times are to be both a lady and a freak.

She’s eye candy – there are a few insecure guys that would beg to differ with this because they don’t want their girl getting all the attention… but the majority will agree that it’s nice to have a woman that’s easy on the eyes and has sex appeal. She’s someone that everyone can look at but no one can have. Not the chic that when people ask about her looks they always have to say “Well, she’s got a great personality". 

She’s aggressive – let me say this again, AGGRESSIVE (not desperate). When it comes to men, she's not afraid to express herself, but she's not throwing herself all over ANYONE. And when it comes to life and, she's a true go getter! She goes out there and gets what she wants but not in a demeaning way. There are limits to everything and there are some things you just shouldn't do, no matter what the outcome will be. Remember: fearless and ambitious, not abrasive and needy!

Has a POSITIVE attitude – part of being down to earth is keeping your nasty and negative comments to yourself and remain open to things. Everyone isn’t always going to be like you… and being open minded and POSITIVE while doing so gives you the ability to learn new things and be well rounded. If the girl can't cook or doesn't enjoy sports -- she's at least willing to TRY. Trying is half the battle in life.

Has her own – a female who fits in the 10 category most definitely has or is working towards her OWN (job, car, house, etc). She's not sitting at home waiting for millions to drop in her lap or hitting the club trying to find someone to live off of. She's not lazy, she has her own objective for her life and is constantly working towards her goals.

Lots of self-confidence – to have self-confidence you have to be sure of your abilities, remain calm under pressure, and recover gracefully. Women who are 10's aren't running around complaining or crying over spilled milk because they KNOW they have the ability and self-assurance to get the job done, so they do it. There is nothing more unattractive than an insecure woman.  A 10 is sure of what she has and knows that there will ALWAYS be someone who can do something bigger or better… but is sure in herself enough that that doesn’t matter!

So there you have it. That’s what makes a 10, in my opinion. This list of course varies for all guys depending on what type of person THEY are and what is a priority for them when looking for a mate. Many guys break it down to only the physical attributes, but I hope realistically they know… the looks will fade, so get a girl with some personality traits that will last way beyond that!

Dishing MOTIVATION: I Think I Can!

Today started pretty shitty. I had a chip on my shoulder which rolled over from yesterday and it didn’t help that the weather is “blah”, which made my mood even more “BLAH” and I just wasn’t feeling anything at all. But after reading something that moved me a little, I began to turn around. As usual I decided I would redirect my energy. So I made a few phone calls to get some email addresses for a venture of mine and ended up landing a meeting with someone… pretty big. Now I feel better. I channeled my negative, “blah” energy into something positive that I’d been meaning to do for some time now and it turned out great.

I always start my day thinking “I’m going to make today GREAT” – but it doesn’t always happen that way. Sometimes, I let OTHERS take my good, positive energy and I’m left with nothing to invest in myself. Granted, I realize… I give them too much power. So, just wanted to share that little vent session with you all and maybe if your day is “BLAH” and you need a little motivation, remember, it all starts from within. Whatever (or WHOever) is bugging you or bringing you down isn't worth it. *REDIRECT AND CHANNEL YOUR ENERGY INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE AND BENEFICIAL FOR YOURSELF*

& just like the little engine that could “I think I can! I think I can!” – and on that note… up the hill I go ;)

5 TRUE reasons “not everyone should go natural”

As a woman who has had both permed hair and natural hair during my lifetime, I’m OVER hearing that “going natural isn't for everyone.” Who IS it for then? People with “good hair” only? I recently read a quotation by a natural blogger who said, “If you were supposed to have anything but that, then you would have it.” Meaning – you weren't born with bone straight hair growing out of your scalp for a reason. Who are you to tell anyone that they shouldn't wear their hair in its natural state?

I've only been natural (no chemicals) for 3 years now so I have experienced both sides of the spectrum. I got my first perm at 15 because I wanted to fit in with all of the other little girls running around with straight flowing hair, so I begged and begged my parents to let me get one. Prior to that I was getting my hair pressed and curled faithfully every Sunday evening. During college I made the decision to go natural and bc’d (big chopped) in August of 2008. Over the past 3 years I’ve witnessed women go natural successfully and others go from perms to natural and back to perms again. During this time I’ve also come to the conclusion that YES people are correct “not everyone can go natural.” But not for the reasons others give… below I explain my 5 reasons why not:

They let OTHERS tell them they can’t

People are always concerned with what other people think about them, what about what YOU think? You dress up to look cute for OTHER females to judge you on if you think you’re TOO cute or if you’re not cute ENOUGH for their liking. You make sure everything is perfect enough so that a guy won’t think you’re fast but show just enough to catch an eye. You worry about what your Caucasian co-workers are going to think because your hair is different from theirs. Forget outsiders, some of our own friends and parents look at us crazy or don’t show support towards certain ideas of ours. When is the last time you stopped caring and made a decision for you? No matter how you wear your hair or what outfit you throw on, someone is judging. You are always going to be stuck with yourself, so at least let them judge on something you are comfortable with and be true to you and what makes you happy.

It’s not socially ACCEPTABLE in our society

There are certain lines that have been drawn in society by people on what defines what is okay and what’s not okay and unfortunately natural hair comes TOO close to that line. You rarely see celebs and actresses wearing their hair in its natural state for that very reason. That’s where pushing the line and self-definition come into play. Society also once said that black wasn’t beautiful and that fuller figured women couldn’t be on TV and we see how that’s changed. You have to be comfortable with SELF first before you can take on society and that’s a big challenge to conquer within itself before even considering going natural.

They have been brainwashed by European standards of “BEAUTY”

When you have relaxed hair, it’s easy to manage because it’s pretty much always straight. You hop in the shower, wash, blow dry and flat iron. When you go natural, you have to let go of the European standard of “beauty” and acknowledge that every strand of your hair is now different. You’ll have some big curls, some tighter curls and some that are not curly at all – all on the same head. The texture is what MAKES the natural hair so beautiful and different. If you can’t handle that or the fact that your hair may now seem “imperfect”, then being natural isn’t for you.

Aren't willing to put in the WORK  it takes to be natural

When you make the decision to go natural – that’s when the true work begins. It’s about taking the time to learn YOUR new hair type, what works best with it and treat it right. What someone else says is a great product may not be so for your hair and the most expensive product may also not be your best bet. It takes time to develop a hair routine that works and produces the results you want to see. It is also a true test of PATIENCE (especially if you big chopped). Many people expect to see instant results and growth and while it is growing healthier and stronger, it’s all based on the care you are giving it; similar to a plant. That goes for relaxed hair too, but natural hair is coarser, so with neglect, tangles can make your hair more susceptible to breakage. You have to see the end goal and WORK towards it. Don’t go natural unless you’re going to invest the time, money and energy!

Never had to take care of the NATURAL state of their hair

If you’ve been relaxed more than half of your life, it’s likely that you’ve NEVER even seen or had to deal with your hair in its natural state. If this is the case, then it can be a big shock and even discourage you when you finally see it and it have no idea how this works. Blogs and youtube videos dedicated to naturals can definitely be a helpful resource to get support and learn about your new found hair. It also helps if you have at least 1 person in your support system backing you. It can be frustrating and there are times when you are going to want to give up and perm your hair again but trust me, it’s not worth it! Just like you had to learn everything you know now, this is another challenge to take HEAD ON with confidence!

So there you have it... my 5 true reasons that not everyone should go natural. Remember that every hair style is just that… a STYLE, and everyone has things they are comfortable with and things that are too farfetched for them. If going natural just isn’t in your favor, then by all means, steer clear. But if you've wanted to take the natural plunge or just feeling frustrated with your tresses, I hope this has inspired you to love yourself, know that you’re beautiful and you define your own standards and EMBRACE the natural :) 

Don't Act Like a Hoe & Wonder Why...

So, I’m well aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion when it comes to just about everything… especially how certain females should be treated in terms of how they portray themselves. There are people who side with the opinion that if a female is dressed like a hoe – she should be treated as such. Then there are those who argue that a female should be able to dress and act any way she wants and not have to worry about the harassment or comments that come with that. And maybe they are right. But then I pose the question: can those types of females get angry or feel slighted when no one will wife them? (Well, I’m sure SOMEONE out there will, but not a decent dude like they want to end up with.)

I say… it comes with the territory.

We all remember a few months back when Ines Sainz – female television reporter – was interviewing Mark Sanchez of the NY Jets and had "cat calls and rude comments" made at her and also had a football thrown at her in their locker room. But, it was no secret that Sainz often wore risqué outfits that showed off her breasts and tush when interviewing athletes. Later it was also reported that she took half naked pictures that were floating around the internet and can also be found on her "professional" website. She wants to be viewed as a professional journalist, yet posts almost nude photos on what is supposed to be her PROFESSIONAL website. So, how should we label her?

Time and time again (like EVERY "titty tuesday" on Twitter) -- I see females posting these naked photos of themselves. In just the last week alone I've seen tons of "respectable" females hit Miami and other beaches for Spring Break and take on a whole new persona with retweeted pictures of them topless on the beach and other nameless acts that I'm sure they will soon come to regret in a few years. Now, I love to party and have fun... so I'm not discounting that, but I am passing judgment on the girls who do this stuff and then question why no one takes them seriously and no man wants to be with them. HELLO! I just have to sit back and shake my head because some of them seriously don't get it. You "smash the homies", go to parties and do anything and everything to be the center of attention for all the men there and show up half naked everywhere, yet YOU WONDER WHY no man will claim you as his girlfriend? Men care very much about their public image and how others will view them for being the one to “wife the hoe”. Have you not learned that men talk? If not... learn quickly!

So ultimately, of course you'll have guys trying to hang out with you -- because based on what he's seen or heard of you, you're easy… and maybe your personality is cool. So he thinks he has a chance. But when it comes down to it, any respectable man with decent morals and character traits would absolutely never make you his girlfriend. Let's not even get into marriage! It's sad because some of these chics really AREN'T the sluts that they display themselves as... but regardless of what you ACTUALLY do behind closed doors, this is what people see of you every day on campus, in the office or among friends. You wake up every day and decide what image you are going to give of yourself to those around you and unfortunately you are judged on those actions each and every day.

So stop wondering, "Why?"

Why do you think you deserve anything more? That's like Kim K getting upset because no one will put a ring on it. UH, Kimmy did you forget that little tape you did a few years back? She showed the WORLD everything in her sex tape. No one even gets to guess what her body looks like naked or what type of “love faces” she makes. Let men use their imagination. Let them dream a little. Keep them guessing. Giving it all at once is no fun and if he can just get on the Internet and see it all... what do you THINK he thinks of you? So next time you have to question a man on his motives or wonder why you can't get a decent guy or ever have a boyfriend... how about you question YOURSELF about "why" you choose to portray yourself in that manner and maybe that will help you answer those questions.

The Perfect One... For Someone Else

Ever fallen head over heels for someone and lusted over their ever word just to find out they have absolutely no interest ever having any type of serious relationship with you? Maybe you’ve played the other side and been the one to lead someone on intentionally or maybe unknowingly. No matter which side you’ve played – someone involved ends up with hurt feelings in the situation. But like I always tell my friends, “Everyone isn’t for everyone.”

You could meet the most perfect person in the world one night – the girl that watches football, cooks all your favorite foods and gets along perfectly with all of your boys or the guy that brings you flowers simply because it’s Tuesday, always wants to cuddle and listens attentively to all of your wants and needs. Sounds ideal right? Each of you all’s personalities are great… separately. This is the only thing that lies between you all ever becoming an item. Everyone has their own preferences and qualities they want in their “prototype”. This is the exact same reason why we can meet someone on campus or at a party and get to know them and find 10 things about them that just aren’t right. Then we can run into them 2 years later and see them happily in love with someone else. We wonder… “What does he see in her?” or “She’s a better one than me to put up with him than me!”

But we have to remember the things we saw as “flaws” in that person might be seamless personality traits to another. You can’t necessarily take things you didn’t like in the person and fault it on them as being not a good catch. Everyone always says “You can’t turn a hoe into a housewife”, – but that’s a MYTH, because I’ve seen plenty of girls I know that have been here, there and everywhere else and eventually suckered some man enough into being her boyfriend. It happens every day. The same way “everyone isn’t for everyone”… there is also someone for everyone, somewhere in the world.

The problem is a lot of people try to force 2 wrong puzzle pieces together or guilt themselves into sticking around.    You can’t force something for the sake of the time you all have been together or dealing with each other and it doesn’t help to use the fact that the person gives you gifts or has a charming personality as a reason to stay. If you don’t feel that connection with them you know it in your gut…so let them go be where they can be 100% fulfilled. You owe it to them and to yourself to achieve complete happiness with the right person and if you know in the long run you don’t want to make it anything serious, why lead them on? There are many elements involved in creating an ideal relationship situation. Sometimes you can meet the most perfect person ever but there’s just something about them that doesn’t fit. Whether it’s the timing, habits of the person, family or friend issues or the interaction of you two… all of those elements play into the relationship despite perfect personalities. So if you see that you have “the perfect one”, but something doesn’t feel right… maybe they are the perfect one… for someone else.

My Hair Care Challenge: 2 weeks in!

Last week I blogged about my Hair Care Challenge – I'm very excited about the commitment I have made with myself to give my hair the BEST care possible. It’s up to you to make the decision to treat your hair better, use better products and give the best overall treatment for the best overall results – soft, manageable hair that retains LENGTH! How long can you go without the use of heat? I’m 2 weeks in… Follow along and join me on my hair care challenge… STAY TUNED! 

Who are YOU in the World?

As we have ve learned since we were young, there are those that lead and those that follow, and you get to decide which category you want to fit in as a member of society. You can be the type to jump on all the next big things just because you see everyone else doing it and change yourself and your appearance with the blow of the wind or you can set your own standard, march to your own beat and be comfortable being YOU.

With the followers, it all comes down to insecurity. The followers are so frightened for the world to see the true them that they hide behind a mask and a facade they put on for the public – like an actor on stage. Most of the time you wonder, “Do these people even know themselves?” These are the “grown women” that title themselves “Fancy”, a “Bad bish”, or “Miss Independent”. Not that it’s a bad thing to be confident in yourself, it’s more about them being the type that have to proclaim themselves through a song lyric or a celeb. All of the Nikki Minaj “Barbies” of the world and the Amber Rose wannabes that shaved off all of their hair are prime examples of others. The males that “took over” 2009 with all of their “swag” and jumped from Nike Boots to Polo Boots, Gucci to Louie (accessories of course bc many of them don’t have much else). The guys we shake our head at as they walk around spending their entire paycheck for the week in the club, the ones that have the freshest car but still live with their mother. Seriously. Priorities?

Meanwhile the leaders of the world are focused; they aren’t on Twitter all day TALKING about grinding. They’re making their mark on the world and doing it their way. They don’t have to worry about what people think about them because they don’t have enough down time to really care. And despite what trend the rest of the world is on, they are comfortable enough that they can start their own.

I just think it’s a shame that people can’t be comfortable in their own skin. I’m tired of walking through the mall and seeing everyone striving to “keep up with the Jones’”. I cringe at the chicks that have the freshest weave and new red bottom shoes dragging around their snotty nose child with the unbrushed hair. If spending all your money on a table @ the club on Friday night is “you”, then by all means… continue. But if you’re walking around flaunting money, please don’t be mad when all you attract is gold diggers. You all are one in the same. While you’re running around trying to flaunt your money and fake accessories, she’s dropping her baby off to be babysat to go to the club search to for a “baller” to pay her bills. It’s always been said that “being copied is the biggest form of flattery” -- unfortunately, there are way too many people that copy others and not in a flattering way. If you’re 25 still playing JUCO ball, I’ll be the one to crush your dreams… it’s too late! If you’re modeling lingerie all over your fb page and call yourself a “model”, sorry but you will never be the next Tyra. Strive to be something better than what EVERYONE else already is, those roles are taken.

There are 2 places in the world. Get in where you fit in... 

Leader or Follower. Who are YOU in the world?

Hair Care Challenge: Be Good To Your Natural Hair!

Today marks day 3 of my HAIR CARE CHALLENGE! I have challenged myself to give overall better treatment towards my hair. After looking at some pictures ranging from a year ago to the present, I realized that my hair has not retained almost any length in about a year, and I thought to myself WOW this has to be impossible (and disheartening). After going natural in April of 2008 and doing my BC (big chop) in August of 2008, I just knew my hair was going to sprout like crazy, and it did… at first. But, after my hair grew back to about shoulder length, I decided “well, since I’m natural now, I can do anything with my hair”. I decided to go blonde… not like honey blonde but like BLEACH BLONDE! Shame on me. I soon came to the realization that while I was re-dying my roots once a month (meaning my hair was growing plenty) the color was breaking off my hair at the ends. Little by little my hair began falling apart and breaking. The blonde had COMPLETELY stripped my hair, and not only was the color damaging it, but I wasn’t doing any type of regular deep condition to treat it. On top of everything, I was going to my Dominican hair salon almost every 2 weeks. Let’s just say: color + heat – condition = DISASTER!

On Saturday, I thought about it and said to myself, I treat my body right… I feed it right, I exercise and I use quality products on my skin… why am I not invested in my hair like I should be? So, I vowed to myself I would treat my hair just as good as I treat every other part of my body. I am doing a HAIR CHALLENGE to give better care to my tresses and see how long I can go without using heat on my hair. No matter if your hair is natural or relaxed – heat is DEF a killer regardless! Once your hair grows out of your scalp it is dead, it is up to you to treat it right and nurse it so that it can retain length and continue to be healthy and beautiful.

Recently my thing has been henna. I have literally become obsessed with it! I have been trying to get into a regimen of doing certain things to strengthen and condition my hair. Henna is a great thing that adds strength, condition and shine to natural hair. It is a plant called Lawsonia inermis that is ground up and used as a natural (chemical free) dye for hair and skin. It has been used for over 5,000 years in other countries in Africa and the Middle East. I’ve henna’d twice thus far and plan on starting out doing it twice weekly. After a month, I will move to about once a week. I’ll keep you posted on the results of that through a short documentary I’m putting together!

Last Friday, I went on a complete shopping spree of hair products that have been recommended to me via various natural hair sites. All are good for African American hair of course but these are specifically designed with the natural curl girlies in mind. Below is a list of what I have tried and my review on how they worked with my hair type (mix of 4a/4b).

• Giovanni 50/50 Shampoo – This is a clarifying shampoo that is perfect for keeping moisture in hair while still managing to get the gunk and build-up out. After I henna’d I used this to make sure all of the henna was out. It was pretty good on keeping my hair soft while still cleansing my scalp. I only shampoo bi-weekly so this will be my go-to for now. This can be purchased from Target, Whole Foods or Vitamin Shoppe. 
•  Giovanni Tea Tree Triple Treat Conditioner – I decided to get this conditioner instead of the 50/50 because I’m big on tea tree products. It did feel great but the results aren’t as nice as I thought they would be, not sure if this is ideal for OUR hair. This too can be found at Target, Whole Foods or Vitamin Shoppe.
• Yes to Carrots Conditioner -- YES!!! I am in love with this. This conditioner is packed full of Beta-Carotene and tons of veggie juices that your hair will soak up. I use this as my daily conditioner as well as a deep treat conditioner and detangler and it works wonders for all 3. It made my curls bouncy and shiny and didn’t weigh them down. Highly recommend this product! I found mine at Target but it can be also purchased at Walgreens.
• Aussie Moist Conditioner – Second runner up, this also made my hair feel soft and gave it life. While in the shower I did a mix of this and the Yes to Carrots to detangle and I loved it. It smells lovely too. Find this at most drug and grocery stores.
•  Aubrey Organics Honey Suckle Rose Conditioner -- I read some reviews on this prior to purchasing and I actually meant to get Aubrey Organics White Camellia. I used this as a deep treat and sat under the dryer for 45 minutes with it in my hair. The smell is STRONG as all the reviews stated and it was just “okay” for my hair. People mentioned it’s for people with finer hair, which I can see is definitely true. Will probably try to White Camellia instead. Can be found at Whole Foods or Vitamin Shoppe.
• Jane Carter Wrap and Roll – Now, I usually don’t do anything with my hair after I condition other than coconut oil but this was a pretty good product. If you are looking for something to define or hold your curls... this is for you. Find this at Target, Whole Foods or Vitamin Shoppe.

For natural oil I use Organic Coconut Oil, which can be found at Whole Foods. This has become my life line for avoiding dry winter skin as well as a great sealant which is used after you deep treat to seal moisture in your hair and keep the weather from negatively affecting it. Also try avoiding any products with parabens, petroleum, beeswax, candela wax and silicones. Everything says “organic” nowadays so try going to stores mentioned above for FDA certified organic products.

What are your favorite products? How long can you go without heat on your hair? CHALLENGE YOURSELF to treat your hair better and give it the condition and care that it needs… You will thank yourself later! :)

Guys That Leave the Toilet Seat Up are NOT Marriage Material

Ever gone into the bathroom after a guy and seen the toilet seat and an after spray around the toilet of the “business” he just handled in there? Let me just say GROSS, GROSS and GROSS! Unless you are 5, there is no reason that there should be any indication of what you just did in the bathroom or a trail left behind. There is no reason that your girlfriend or any female for that matter should walk into the bathroom and clean up after you or any mess you made.

Based on an experience I had, the bathroom is just one example of where a guy’s “home training” carries over to other aspects of their lives which completely takes away any chance of them being marriage material down the line. Essentially though, I’m speaking about guys out there who have NO etiquette or manners whatsoever but yet are constantly trying to date a girl who is the full package and more. The guys that you can’t go out to eat with because your appetite will be lost from the way they chew and smack their food like a horse in a pasture. Guys that you can’t be seen out with because they are constantly picking up their phone yelling at their homeboy and cussing like a sailor. The guy that definitely couldn’t be your date to a company event because they don’t know how to turn off the slang and hike their pants up a little bit to be presentable enough for public. Yeah, probably the same guy that always orders the CHICKEN off the menu because he won’t step out of the box and try anything new.

Unfortunately, there are so many guys like that exist and think they can go out here and get any female they want. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. Going back to my previous “Maybe It’s You” blog – sometimes you have to take a look at the bigger picture and see what you’re doing wrong. How can you call yourself a “grown man” when you’re actions and behaviors are reflecting that of a small child? If we see in the beginning that you are exhibiting laziness within your own life – there is no way you will make it to hubby status, or even BOYFRIEND status at that.

In the end it all comes down to respect for yourself and females – either a female you are dealing with or attempting to deal with. If you are dealing with her, not quite sure how you made it that far lol but if there is someone you are attempting to talk to, please COME CORRECT. We aren't looking for a guy that we have to spend hours teaching how to do simple things that you should have learned at a young age. If you don’t know how to pick and clean up after yourself by now, that is a PROBLEM. Don’t expect for any woman with a bit of decency to deal with you if she constantly has to teach you HOW to be a man. Just think: How can you be out here looking for a partner, when you aren't a complete person yourself? 

Can Males & Females REALLY Just Be Friends?

Last night an interesting convo sparked between some friends and me about the dynamics of male and female relationships and friendships and of course the age-old question presented itself: can males and females REALLY just be platonic friends? There are many on the fence with the answer to this question based on their relationships with females and males in their own lives. Because we grow up with examples of how to act in various situations and learn from what we view, but see so few examples of male-female friendships for us to learn from…  it prevents us from ever really coming to a solid answer.

Society doesn’t react well to people who say “We are really just friends!” It’s always assumed that the two of you have crossed some type of line at one point or another during your friendship. I have male friends that I consider JUST friends; we have never had a romantic encounter, and I have never had a thought cross my head about being anything more with them. But because of the way males are wired to think – I believe that if I actually attempted to cross this line with them, they would let me take it there.

Given that there are so many variables that come into play with this, I think that yes, given maturity and understanding, males and females can be JUST friends. However, most of the time… at some point, either you two weren’t “just friends” or one of the two of you all wants to be more than friends but hasn’t expressed it. Whether it’s acted upon or not is a different story. Or maybe one has expressed it and got shut down. I think that in many friendships, the IDEA of taking their friendship further is considered by 1 of the parties -- but the fear of taking the chance and ruining the friendship outweighs even crossing that line to begin with.

Okay, so we say males and females CAN be just friends. Now… how close is too close for a male and female “friendship”? Is just the two of you all going on outings together okay? What about sleeping in the same bed? Ehhh. I’ve heard some guys say it definitely isn’t possible to do those things and just be friends, while others agree that it is. Where is the consistency?  I won’t for one second be naïve enough to think that given the right set of circumstances, flirting, convo, liquor, whatever… a guy couldn’t sleep with one of his female friends. Taking the friendship further to a relationship might not occur because with timing and feelings, things have to be in place at a certain time for it to work out right, and again… most are scared of taking it there. Oh yeah and if you are in a relationship and the male or female friend is still making passes at you or is jealous of your relationship -- EARTH TO YOU -- they are not your true friend. A true friend respects what you have, and doesn't daydream about that being them in your bf/gf's shoes.

I know that it’s supposed to be the “best thing ever” to date someone you’ve been friends with forever. But not necessarily, especially if you know EVERYTHING about your best friend. That may actually be a turn off because you know their bad habits, their lifestyle, how many people they’ve been with etc. To each their own but it’s not something I personally recommend taking a chance on unless you feel a spark or some type of chemistry between you all. Whatever you decide, weigh your options carefully because it’s a real chance you’re taking that might result in nothing but a broken heart, hurt pride and a lost friend.

1 Dish of Cure For Negativity

Negativity… an epidemic so easy to spread like a cold and once 1 person is contaminated they can spread it from person to person like a chain reaction. You can catch it at work, through friends, colleagues, family, and even a spouse… and the worst part is sometimes you can have it and don’t even know. Ever notice that one person that is constantly making comments about things and never has anything positive to say? Some people that carry this disease around and knowingly and purposely transmit it to others, because if they aren’t fully happy in their lives, why is anyone else allowed to be?

The key to staying clear of this sickness is to 1. never catch it in the first place or 2. get rid of it the moment you find out you have it.

If you never want to catch it, you have to avoid people that you know who carry it. Stay clear of the infected because their outlook on life is to always see the glass half empty. They would rather wallow in their own unhappy thoughts because it would just be TOO hard to try to fix their problems or be positive about life. Surround yourself with people that you know are positive thinking individuals who share the same goals as yourself. But if you absolutely have to be around someone that is negative through work or other situations, try to change their outlook on things. Share your smiles, share your good words and happy thoughts... you'd be surprised, a little goes a long way.

If one day you notice that you've been saying or thinking a lot of negative things... get rid of that mindset ASAP! Take a look around you and see if you have been infected by someone who is spreading their disease to you. You are crippling yourself and most likely others around you by carrying around a negative outlook on things and at the end of the day you're doing the most damage to YOURSELF. If you aren't happy with something, complaining is doing absolutely NOTHING for you but digging the problem deeper and deeper. Instead, find the root of the negative thoughts and look for a solution to it, which can only be found in you.

Overall, life is about success, which you measure. You decide what makes you happy. You decide what can KEEP you happy. And only YOU can allow someone to take that away. Do not allow someone to bring their negative disease and spread it to you, a negative person’s only goal is to spread their gloomy misery everywhere. Nothing in life comes easy or without stress, and that is not to be expected. So instead of adding to the spread of it, combat the negative energy with a positive outlook on life. Think about all of the wasted time you can spend complaining, hurting others and being pessimistic. 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Think about the happiness you are blinding yourself from during all of that time. Don't allow anyone to spread their negative mood to you, it's not worth it and it's definitely not doing any GOOD in your life. So cure the negativity and share a smile instead of a nasty attitude today... makes a difference :)

HBCU or PWI ???

I constantly hear people battle about which type of school is better – an HBCU or a PWI. For those if you that don’t know: a HBCU is a Historically Black College or University and a PWI is a Predominately White Institute. People judge based on their experiences and based on what they’ve heard from others about their schools. Unfortunately some come to the conclusion that HBCU’s are sub-par and those that graduate from them cannot come out of college and compete with their counterparts. That is so far from the truth.

It saddens me that people discourage others from attending a Historically Black College because they have heard that they are “party schools” and other negative rumors that bash what people have worked so hard to build up. Some of the same doctors and lawyers that could have chosen to teach at a PWI make the decision to educate students at HBCUs instead. Some of the top leaders and role models in this world graduated from a HBCU and went on to greatness! As with any college and university across the country… your school is what YOU make it. You could attend Yale or Harvard and flunk out the first year because all you chose to do is party and hang around a crowd that was not focused on getting ahead or achievement. I’ve seen some of my counterparts attend PWIs and bring home terrible grades or complain about the atmosphere at their school and how they feel like they are “just a number”. I think it is a matter of choosing the school that you wish to attend WISELY. If you find it hard to focus in larger settings, then obviously a school with 30,000 students probably isn't best suited for you. You have the power to make your school a match for you and your needs and if you don't like something work to be a CHANGE, after all you are paying tuition there!

I think it’s also based on what type of life you lived prior to college. If you grew up around ALL black people throughout elementary, middle and high school then maybe going to a PWI was a good match because you wanted a change. Me for example, I grew up around a good mix of diversity prior to college but never had too many black friends so I wanted to attend a HBCU to get a different experience. Still with attending a HBCU I experienced the most diversity EVER – I went to college with all types of black people from all around the world with a range of backgrounds, experiences and those that shared my goals & aspirations and wanted to make a difference in OUR communities. I wouldn't change my HBCU experience for the world because it taught me that there are no 2 black people that are the same in this world. Everyone I met had their own story to share and my school is a worldwide 2^nd family to me. I can also say that I am DEFINITELY prepared to compete with any of my counterparts in this world because I did what I had to to learn while I was in college; as did most of my colleagues.

With that said… I think that everyone should let people make their OWN decisions when deciding on a college or university to attend. I have heard all kinds of opinions but ultimately everyone has to make their school the best for THEM. I will always support HBCU’s because they give those who may not have always had a chance the chance to achieve higher things in life. Oh yeah & shout out to my Alma Mater… can I get an AGGIE PRIDE!!!

Movies, Media, Porn & the Bar They Set in Relationships

Media plays an enormous effect on dating and relationships in a number of ways from television to movies, constantly watching and following celebrities’ relationships and porn. Couples strive to achieve this higher level of romance and sexuality based on unrealistic expectations from a bar that can never be reached. Men fantasize that their next girlfriend and future wife will look like Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and Megan Fox, while women dream that they will be swept off their feet with romance from movies like the Notebook and Twilight.

When it comes to television and movies, I think pressure is put on men to live up to these unrealistic standards of romance that ultimately almost no man can compare to. I believe that “good men” exist and are out there, but in terms of men who make no mistakes or who will swoop you up and fall at your every word --- media plays into this flawed perception that every relationship is really like that. Everyone has issues and even if you get the most “perfect” man for you, you can’t compare him to what you’ve seen in a movie or on tv and expect him to compare. When it comes to women and how perfect they look in media aspects, guys fail to realize it’s all about MAKE UP AND WEAVE! Yes, even Gaby Union, Nia Long and Halle Berry have plenty of fake things about them. Television and movies embellish relationships and situations to give you this fantasy to dream about, it’s not to be worked towards actually achieving.

The media works hard to create stories of drama and romance for those that have nothing going on in their own real lives… and we buy it. We buy the magazines, we listen to the gossip on the radio, and we follow along on all of the social networking sites. It’s fun, but not always healthy because once again, it provides a false sense of perfectionism when in reality you don’t know anything that’s going on in those people’s lives. We’ve seen the Kobe situation, followed along with Kim Kardashian as she’s moved from guy to guy, and witnessed Tony Parker cheat on Eva Longoria and so much more. But we never actually know the FULL story to those situations and what goes on behind closed doors in their relationships. You can’t compare yourself to these people because no matter what you see on the outside, their lives are far from perfect!

When it comes to sexuality in relationships and things like porn, these also can have effects on a couple’s bedroom experience together. Some guys gawk at every move and position in porn to the point where when they get in the bedroom, they strive to be these porn stars and want their woman to perform exactly how they view their favorite female porn stars. I think it’s completely unfair to compare your woman to what you see in these flicks because that is their J-O-B, they are trained actress’ who do this day in and day out to get the reaction they are getting out of you.

When it comes to how all of these media outlets affect relationships, men and women become pressured by all types of things to feel like they have to live up to something for their mate. You really have to think about it and set aside what you view and see in other people’s lives and take a look at your OWN reality. It’s unfair to put these unrealistic expectations on each other because we’re not living in a fantasy land. Unless you want your girl getting butt implants and plastic surgery to look like your favorite celeb then don’t put her on that type of pedestal and ladies, NO ONE is going to be Noah from the Notebook, so while your man may romance you… treat him like a human and not a robot, after all… no one is perfect!

Introducing... Feature Friday!

Are you in the process of doing big things or becoming the next superstar in your industry?

This is for you! This year I’m starting “Feature Friday”. Feature Friday will take place every other Friday and will feature people that want to get their name out there and share with the world what they do and why they’re great at it! If you are into music, acting, opening up your own business, the next NFL star, the best 4^th grade teacher… no matter what I’d love to help get your name out there! Each week I’ll tweet for submissions and if I choose to feature you, I’ll interview you and you’ll be posted up for those 2 weeks, starting January 14 J

If you’d like to be featured – email me or follow me on twitter @cherieamourxox & let me know!