The Title is for the Public

At what age are we too old to run around and referring to someone as “my boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? – When does it become a straightforward, mutual agreement between two grown people that you all are simply in an exclusive relationship? I don’t have the answer to this, mainly because I don’t believe there is one specific answer. To each their own because to some people, their love and relationship is only validated by a title. In my opinion, this is what justifies my reasoning for saying “titles are for the public”.

If you and another person are perfectly comfortable with yourselves and each other, know what you both want and are willing to accept, and have a clear understanding about your relationship, you enjoy each other’s company and it’s as simple as that, there is no title needed to stamp the feelings. People get so wrapped up in the IDEA of having love and a relationship and get in competition with their friend’s relationships and those that they see in society – they start to lose track of the simplicity of things. “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard” (Lauryn Hill) – true statement.

I’ve played both sides. I’ve been the girl that felt that the only way I would be satisfied was if he was my BOYFRIEND and I was his GIRLFRIEND. Shame on me. I soon came to a realization that in the end, all that matters is him and I. Simple equation.

In some cases, when someone is just “talking to” someone, it’s not enough for them. They lay on the pressure for a title, “I need to be your girlfriend” – or the ultimatum “If I can’t be your girlfriend, we need to stop talking, it’s not fair”. Why is this? Multiple reasons:

- Validation for the outside world, i.e. friends

- Validation for themselves “If he becomes my man, there’s less of a chance of him cheating on me” O_o

- Validation for actions – once I’m his girl, he will change

These are all flawed. Notice many of the friends asking why you two aren’t together, and giving you all the “relationship” advice to pressure him to be with you aren’t even in relationships themselves (or are constantly in and out of them)!!! If open and honest communication exists between you all and you are on the same page, there is no reason you need a label to make it the “real” thing. Feelings are feelings; they do not change with a title. If a man (or woman for that matter) is going to cheat or mess around on you – guess what, a title isn’t holding them back. Actions are no different, if they are a liar, a cheater; they go out too much, disrespect you, etc. Sorry, but a title is NOT changing this. People do what they want to and if they are truly in it and their feelings are genuine, they will do the right thing, title or not.

1 Serving: Inspiration -- Actions & Reactions

Action: The state or process of acting

or doing; Reaction: A reverse or opposing action.

When you wake up in the morning, a series of actions take place in a certain order. Day in and day out, the actions of your morning can change from one spectrum to the other depending on certain circumstances.

Scenario I: It’s possible that this morning went smoothly: you woke up early, put the perfect outfit together, ate a good breakfast, got in your car, there was a full tank of gas, found $20 in your pocket that you forgot was there, made it to work early and work was stress free; your boss even gave you a compliment on how well you’ve been working lately. Perfect day right?

-- OR --

Scenario II: On the other side you could have forgotten to set your alarm, woke up 2 hours late for work, get in the shower there’s no hot water, you get in the car and it’s on E, you check your bank account and you have a total of $5.74 in your account. Trying to hurry and make it to the office, you hit every red light you possibly could, then finally get to your office to find there’s a ton of work to do AND your boss is mad you were late. Fail.

PAUSE.

In both of these instances you could REACT one way or another. In scenario number one, because of all of the positive things that happened to you, you could be in the best mood ever. Or maybe not. There are those that choose to wallow in their own sorrow no matter how great their day is going. In situation number two you could be having a great day as well because you are CHOOSING to not let the negative bring you down.

In my opinion, it’s all about your actions and REactions to situations you are placed in. You have the ultimate power to control how you react when something happens. & though it sounds difficult, at the end of the day – if you remain calm and at peace, nothing will take you out of that element. There are plenty of times when people get upset about things and act as though everything in the world just stopped. Almost anything can be replaced, time cannot. It is constantly moving and any minute wasted with negative energy is a minute too many. Today is one day in the chapter of your book. Tomorrow, you will turn the page and begin again. Do not give anyone that power over you today, or any day for that matter; especially because you do not have control over anything. You can only do your part and let God take it from there.

Remember: Things can ALWAYS be worse. xox ♥

Knowing Your Role: Are you the side dish or the 5 course meal?

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t know what their role is, OR if they do know their role, they don’t know how to play it. When I say “role” – I’m speaking in terms of a male to female relationship, and in this post I’m applying this particularly to females. Not knowing or playing your role can cause so many issues and confusion in any type of relationship with someone. Whether you are supposed to be just his friend (& when I say friend, I REALLY mean friend, none of the benefits included), a friend WITH benefits (i.e. just a piece of ass, a side joint), a main joint or the girlfriend.

Breakdown:

The Drink – Just the friend. Someone you always have to have around, you always need, is apart of every meal but is kept right there, nothing more, nothing less. People tend to use this word WAY too loosely and get it mixed up with other definitions. In this case ladies, if you are truly his friend, there are no feelings involved, no sex, no messing around, no dating, etc. Now some people like to argue that there is no such thing as a male/female friendship. I beg to differ. But, I do know that in many cases if a female has a male friend most likely either they USED to talk or date or s/he WANTS to be dating. In some cases though, it is strictly platonic.

The Snack – Always quick to grab whenever you want it off the late night, it’s tempting, and fulfills your desire for something but she comes and goes. Ahhh. The friend with benefits, typically the role with the hardest defining line. This is usually because it starts out at strictly sexually based. Everything is cool and both parties are okay with it being just about sex and that’s it. Then one day… BAM… Feelings appear. Damn those feelings! Typically caught by the female, everything slowly starts to get a little weird. She wants more… more texts, more phone calls, more effort, more time. Wait? Wasn’t this just STRICLY about sex two months ago? Wasn’t she just saying she didn’t want a relationship and everything was cool? Now all of the sudden this chic wants a date? She wants to meet the friends and family? WHOA. Now, it’s important for both parties here to be clear from the start. Fellas, if you want a girl to STRICTLY be a friend with benefits, I suggest not bringing her around family, friends, no dates, none of the cute things for no reason, if she’s buying you things you miiiiight not want to accept them – because some females just don’t understand and when you start throwing in things that can be confused as “he likes me” actions that’s when you create a problem for yourself. Ladies, if you care about your feelings and them being hurt, please read between the lines. If he wanted to be doing things for you and with you, he would and you wouldn’t have to force it. End of story.

The Side Dish – The Side Joint. Something to add on the side to the main dish, there could be a couple of these, they add a little something extra that maybe the main course just doesn’t provide. If you are the side joint, you are just someone to have around. This is the girl that’s probably cool to hang out with, good convo, good sex, whatever. There is a slight chance she could end up being more one day, but most likely not. She can act up if she wants to, but she’s easily replaceable and at the end of the day, you can take or leave her because there is always the main dish or the 5 course meal.

The Main Dish – The Main Joint. Provides the substance usually the heartiest, and more complex dish on your menu. This dish satisfies the meal. This is the one you spend a majority of your time with. She’s always down for you, always around when you need her, helps fulfill what you need but there might just be that ONE thing that makes you not want to make her anything more. Or maybe it’s just the timing but it’s been communicated that she’s definitely more than just a side dish and she understands. Either way, she probably sticks around for a while.

The 5 Course Meal – This is the girlfriend. A meal like this is something you can’t always indulge in because it’s hard to come by a good one of these, but when you do get one it’s everything and more. This meal keeps you full and wanting nothing else. She’s got all the courses – including the drink because she’s your friend too. If at any point you THINK you are the girlfriend, chances are you are wrong. This is something that has been communicated to you and if you’ve never met the friends or family and he never takes you out, but he tells you you’re the girlfriend – he’s lying, you’re probably just the side dish babe!

Why it’s important to know your role: For one, if you don’t… you end up looking stupid and pathetic. While you’re running around telling everyone that you talk to or date this guy, he’s telling all his boys about how he can conveniently hit you up off the late night and how you’ll drop everything and run to him. Two, your feelings end up hurt. If you told him from jump it’s strictly about sex, let it be what it is. Trying to force things that just AREN’T is where people mess up and end up loosing a possible friend. And three, it just keeps everything so much more simple. Don’t get it twisted, this is not just a thing females do, males let it happen to. Ultimately it’s about communication. Draw the line and don’t step over it. If you know AND play your role – you’ll be so much better off, trust me.

Dishing the "Good Hair" Theory

Good hair… what exactly is “good hair”? 


A constant question I ask when I hear someone make this comment. Even though, we all know that good hair means straight, manageable, non-kinky hair. So I guess that means that any other hair type must be bad right? I find myself in debates often about this topic because I can go on for days with my opinion about hair types, natural vs. perms, weave, etc. Now, I’ve only been natural (without any chemicals in my hair) since May of 2008. But, I can say it was one of the best decisions of my life and I will never go back to having a perm.


I DON’T look down on anyone that chooses to perm their hair though. I think each person needs to make the decision based on what is most manageable for them and how they prefer to keep their hair up. What I DO look down on are people that are ignorant about it.


First, my problem is that people even use the terms “good hair”, “bad hair”, “nappy”, etc. altogether. Those are terms that society has deemed acceptable for people to categorize the difference between hair that is straight and hair that is kinky, i.e. white and black people’s hair. Bad has a negative connotation, so why do we automatically associate negativity with hair that is not straight? We grow up being programmed to believe that the lighter and straighter the better. And what exact is “nappy”? Dictionary.com defines it as – “kinky” or “fuzzy” but we all know that the term nappy is more often than not used to describe someone’s hair in an offensive manner -- We all remember when Don Imus said, "That's some nappy-headed hos there." (2007) -- I really don't think that was meant as a compliment.

My second problem is that I don’t understand why people think that they have the right to say deter people from going natural and make comments like “not everyone should go natural”. Last time I checked when I came out of my mother’s womb my hair grew out of my head like this. I wasn’t born with a perm on my hair, so whatever makes anyone think they have the right to judge someone based on that is beyond me. I continuously hear guys make comments about not wanting to talk to a girl with natural hair. Why though? Have we been THAT brainwashed and as I like to call it – “Europeanized” that we no longer embrace our culture and only accept females with long straight hair? Earth to guys, you say you don’t like women who wear makeup, and you want her to be “natural” but yet you shun girls with natural hair? A little backwards if you ask me.

I don’t try to push my opinions on others, because they are just that – opinions. But, I really do want everyone to sit back and think about how they sound when they make ignorant comments like that, you sound DUMB. Embrace your culture people.

Girls that rock perms & weave it up I love you all the same (I rock my 14 inches sometimes too lol) & all my TWA chics continue to do you! xox

Shits & Giggles! Aim low ladies

Think this is funny, if you need laugh today... enjoy :)

Dish of the day – Men, Women & Change.

“Women marry women hoping to change them; Men marry women hoping they’ll never change”

So this post is dedicated to my parent’s 24^th anniversary yesterday. 24 years of being with ONE person… definitely a beautiful thing. Hence the reason I believe in marriage, don’t believe in divorce and advocate for waiting until marriage for children. Watching their marriage has definitely had a positive impact on my life and taught me a lot of interesting things. The quotation at the top is something my mom constantly told me as a girl growing up and I never really understood the meaning until looking at the female/male dynamics and motives when in a relationship, analyzing some of my own actions as well and breaking down some of the reasons that quotation might or might not actually be the case.

I think as a woman we have a tendency to overanalyze things and think that we can control a lot more than we can. In terms of relationships, it becomes hard sometimes to determine the dividing line between telling a man something about himself in a way that is seen as helpful and would help him grow versus nagging about stuff he does and trying to critique his “flaws” in hopes of bringing about a change in them and in him overall. I can’t speak for all women, but I know there are the types that meet a sub par man and think to themselves “Now, if I could just change this, this and that… he would be perfect”… WRONG! Especially at the age we are now, there is certainly room for growth but no man is going to change and mold himself to be whatever it is that woman wants him to be. Change takes a person seeing something negative in them, accepting it, and working towards making it better. It’s best to give your opinion and let him acknowledge it himself and if you don’t see the results you want or he doesn’t agree… leave it alone or walk away if it’s going to be that much of an issue.

When it comes to men never wanting to see their woman or wife change, I completely agree. I think (and see) a lot of women that get in relationships, get comfortable because they have their man and he loves them and BAM completely let go of everything she was doing when she met him – this includes activities, friends, appearance, motivation, etc. Just sad. I’m not quite sure what makes a woman think that her man wants her sitting up under him all day, but disclaimer ladies: it’s unattractive! If you had a job, you were involved doing a bunch of outside activities, you hung out with your girlfriends frequently and you kept your hair and nails done to attract that man, keep it up. Yes, he should love you for you, but at the end of the day men are physical people and if he truly loves you, he wants you to remain true to you first – he will be there.

From watching my parent’s marriage, I’ve learned these 10 things (& more) --

1. It has its ups and downs but it is unconditional and forever.
2. Communication, communication, communication.
3. Get to know each other for as long as possible before getting married, there is no rush.
4. A successful marriage takes sacrifices on BOTH sides.
5. Forgiving is SO important and vital.
6. Keeping God first is what keeps things together and gets you through the storms.
7. Remain true to yourself.
8. Sometimes a little time apart goes a long way.
9. Trying new things together keeps it interesting and fresh.
10. Never forget the reasons you got married in the first place.

Dedicated to my parents. Happy 24^th! I love you both sooo much ♥

Todays serving: Reality -- Maybe it's YOU.

All surface and no substance...

I always hear friends of mine complaining about not being able to meet the “right” mate. Male and female… it seems to be a never ending story that gets old pretty quickly. From the typical reasons like no job, no car, not enough money, no goals, children, I personally just can not and will not believe that out of ALL of the men and women in the world, and particularly in the DMV area, there are no good ones available. Now I’m not one to advocate for lowing one’s standards simply to have someone to claim. However, if I’m repeatedly hearing the story “there are no good men/women” or “all men or women are the same” – soon I’m going to begin to actually question the character of the person who is saying this. My motto is “be what you want to attract”, so if you’re attracting all of these not up to par people, maybe you need to make some changes to yourself, step your game up a little and then try again.

Maybe it’s where you’re going to meet them? I did a twitter poll a while ago asking “Where is the “right” place to meet an acceptable female worth dating?” – Most males opinion was definitely not the club, try the library or the grocery store or a gathering. The reasons behind not the club were that most of those ladies partying in the club 5 out of 7 days a week are ones that do it as their lifestyle, so they are constantly looking to meet new men (some females agreed). My opinion on that is, maybe you meet a female in the club and she’s there specifically for a friend’s birthday, but normally she doesn’t frequent the club, why would you not consider her just because she happens to be partying that one night? Say you meet a female in the library or maybe at church, sorry, but just because she’s studious or appears to be Christian-like doesn’t mean she wasn’t in the club the night before or is even a good catch at all, don’t be fooled.

It could be how you approach them. Or possibly ladies maybe it’s because you are still in the “I want a bad boy or thug” mentality. We aren’t 15 and 16 anymore and that whole bad boy image is no longer cool. You can’t say you aren’t finding the right one but all you’re dating is the same type of guy over and over. Switch it up – all men aren’t the same. Stop complaining about not finding substance when you are ONLY surface. You can be attractive all you want but when it comes down to it and you two are sitting down to talk – any good male or female is going to want someone who is well rounded and can talk about something more than gossip and sports. Can you hold a conversation? Come up with different date ideas? What are you working towards that would intrigue someone to want to date you? Switch some things you do up. Try some new scenes and definitely look at your “make or break list” and see if there are a few things that you expect but you don’t even have. How can you want to sit at a table to eat but you brought nothing to share? Have standards and expectations but don’t make them unreachable.

Moral of the story: if you limit certain things or have this unrealistic list of expectations and you aren’t bringing anything to the table, you could possibly be missing out on a good man/woman. Keep your options open, take some time out for introspection and know yourself first. If you are the constant complainer about never finding a good man or woman out here, just consider… maybe it’s you?

You might have had similar flavor before but try a new dish, you'd be surprised ;)

--REVAMP--

Soo,

I started to create a new blog because I wanted to change the focus of my topics, but I figured it was more fun to keep the old stuff because then I (and you) can read about the randomness I used to write and some of the more serious topics I'm going to start addressing now. Wow how time flies. I created this blog almost 2 years ago.

Welcome... again :)