Can Males & Females REALLY Just Be Friends?

Last night an interesting convo sparked between some friends and me about the dynamics of male and female relationships and friendships and of course the age-old question presented itself: can males and females REALLY just be platonic friends? There are many on the fence with the answer to this question based on their relationships with females and males in their own lives. Because we grow up with examples of how to act in various situations and learn from what we view, but see so few examples of male-female friendships for us to learn from…  it prevents us from ever really coming to a solid answer.

Society doesn’t react well to people who say “We are really just friends!” It’s always assumed that the two of you have crossed some type of line at one point or another during your friendship. I have male friends that I consider JUST friends; we have never had a romantic encounter, and I have never had a thought cross my head about being anything more with them. But because of the way males are wired to think – I believe that if I actually attempted to cross this line with them, they would let me take it there.

Given that there are so many variables that come into play with this, I think that yes, given maturity and understanding, males and females can be JUST friends. However, most of the time… at some point, either you two weren’t “just friends” or one of the two of you all wants to be more than friends but hasn’t expressed it. Whether it’s acted upon or not is a different story. Or maybe one has expressed it and got shut down. I think that in many friendships, the IDEA of taking their friendship further is considered by 1 of the parties -- but the fear of taking the chance and ruining the friendship outweighs even crossing that line to begin with.

Okay, so we say males and females CAN be just friends. Now… how close is too close for a male and female “friendship”? Is just the two of you all going on outings together okay? What about sleeping in the same bed? Ehhh. I’ve heard some guys say it definitely isn’t possible to do those things and just be friends, while others agree that it is. Where is the consistency?  I won’t for one second be naïve enough to think that given the right set of circumstances, flirting, convo, liquor, whatever… a guy couldn’t sleep with one of his female friends. Taking the friendship further to a relationship might not occur because with timing and feelings, things have to be in place at a certain time for it to work out right, and again… most are scared of taking it there. Oh yeah and if you are in a relationship and the male or female friend is still making passes at you or is jealous of your relationship -- EARTH TO YOU -- they are not your true friend. A true friend respects what you have, and doesn't daydream about that being them in your bf/gf's shoes.

I know that it’s supposed to be the “best thing ever” to date someone you’ve been friends with forever. But not necessarily, especially if you know EVERYTHING about your best friend. That may actually be a turn off because you know their bad habits, their lifestyle, how many people they’ve been with etc. To each their own but it’s not something I personally recommend taking a chance on unless you feel a spark or some type of chemistry between you all. Whatever you decide, weigh your options carefully because it’s a real chance you’re taking that might result in nothing but a broken heart, hurt pride and a lost friend.

1 Dish of Cure For Negativity

Negativity… an epidemic so easy to spread like a cold and once 1 person is contaminated they can spread it from person to person like a chain reaction. You can catch it at work, through friends, colleagues, family, and even a spouse… and the worst part is sometimes you can have it and don’t even know. Ever notice that one person that is constantly making comments about things and never has anything positive to say? Some people that carry this disease around and knowingly and purposely transmit it to others, because if they aren’t fully happy in their lives, why is anyone else allowed to be?

The key to staying clear of this sickness is to 1. never catch it in the first place or 2. get rid of it the moment you find out you have it.

If you never want to catch it, you have to avoid people that you know who carry it. Stay clear of the infected because their outlook on life is to always see the glass half empty. They would rather wallow in their own unhappy thoughts because it would just be TOO hard to try to fix their problems or be positive about life. Surround yourself with people that you know are positive thinking individuals who share the same goals as yourself. But if you absolutely have to be around someone that is negative through work or other situations, try to change their outlook on things. Share your smiles, share your good words and happy thoughts... you'd be surprised, a little goes a long way.

If one day you notice that you've been saying or thinking a lot of negative things... get rid of that mindset ASAP! Take a look around you and see if you have been infected by someone who is spreading their disease to you. You are crippling yourself and most likely others around you by carrying around a negative outlook on things and at the end of the day you're doing the most damage to YOURSELF. If you aren't happy with something, complaining is doing absolutely NOTHING for you but digging the problem deeper and deeper. Instead, find the root of the negative thoughts and look for a solution to it, which can only be found in you.

Overall, life is about success, which you measure. You decide what makes you happy. You decide what can KEEP you happy. And only YOU can allow someone to take that away. Do not allow someone to bring their negative disease and spread it to you, a negative person’s only goal is to spread their gloomy misery everywhere. Nothing in life comes easy or without stress, and that is not to be expected. So instead of adding to the spread of it, combat the negative energy with a positive outlook on life. Think about all of the wasted time you can spend complaining, hurting others and being pessimistic. 1 year? 5 years? 10 years? Think about the happiness you are blinding yourself from during all of that time. Don't allow anyone to spread their negative mood to you, it's not worth it and it's definitely not doing any GOOD in your life. So cure the negativity and share a smile instead of a nasty attitude today... makes a difference :)

HBCU or PWI ???

I constantly hear people battle about which type of school is better – an HBCU or a PWI. For those if you that don’t know: a HBCU is a Historically Black College or University and a PWI is a Predominately White Institute. People judge based on their experiences and based on what they’ve heard from others about their schools. Unfortunately some come to the conclusion that HBCU’s are sub-par and those that graduate from them cannot come out of college and compete with their counterparts. That is so far from the truth.

It saddens me that people discourage others from attending a Historically Black College because they have heard that they are “party schools” and other negative rumors that bash what people have worked so hard to build up. Some of the same doctors and lawyers that could have chosen to teach at a PWI make the decision to educate students at HBCUs instead. Some of the top leaders and role models in this world graduated from a HBCU and went on to greatness! As with any college and university across the country… your school is what YOU make it. You could attend Yale or Harvard and flunk out the first year because all you chose to do is party and hang around a crowd that was not focused on getting ahead or achievement. I’ve seen some of my counterparts attend PWIs and bring home terrible grades or complain about the atmosphere at their school and how they feel like they are “just a number”. I think it is a matter of choosing the school that you wish to attend WISELY. If you find it hard to focus in larger settings, then obviously a school with 30,000 students probably isn't best suited for you. You have the power to make your school a match for you and your needs and if you don't like something work to be a CHANGE, after all you are paying tuition there!

I think it’s also based on what type of life you lived prior to college. If you grew up around ALL black people throughout elementary, middle and high school then maybe going to a PWI was a good match because you wanted a change. Me for example, I grew up around a good mix of diversity prior to college but never had too many black friends so I wanted to attend a HBCU to get a different experience. Still with attending a HBCU I experienced the most diversity EVER – I went to college with all types of black people from all around the world with a range of backgrounds, experiences and those that shared my goals & aspirations and wanted to make a difference in OUR communities. I wouldn't change my HBCU experience for the world because it taught me that there are no 2 black people that are the same in this world. Everyone I met had their own story to share and my school is a worldwide 2^nd family to me. I can also say that I am DEFINITELY prepared to compete with any of my counterparts in this world because I did what I had to to learn while I was in college; as did most of my colleagues.

With that said… I think that everyone should let people make their OWN decisions when deciding on a college or university to attend. I have heard all kinds of opinions but ultimately everyone has to make their school the best for THEM. I will always support HBCU’s because they give those who may not have always had a chance the chance to achieve higher things in life. Oh yeah & shout out to my Alma Mater… can I get an AGGIE PRIDE!!!

Movies, Media, Porn & the Bar They Set in Relationships

Media plays an enormous effect on dating and relationships in a number of ways from television to movies, constantly watching and following celebrities’ relationships and porn. Couples strive to achieve this higher level of romance and sexuality based on unrealistic expectations from a bar that can never be reached. Men fantasize that their next girlfriend and future wife will look like Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and Megan Fox, while women dream that they will be swept off their feet with romance from movies like the Notebook and Twilight.

When it comes to television and movies, I think pressure is put on men to live up to these unrealistic standards of romance that ultimately almost no man can compare to. I believe that “good men” exist and are out there, but in terms of men who make no mistakes or who will swoop you up and fall at your every word --- media plays into this flawed perception that every relationship is really like that. Everyone has issues and even if you get the most “perfect” man for you, you can’t compare him to what you’ve seen in a movie or on tv and expect him to compare. When it comes to women and how perfect they look in media aspects, guys fail to realize it’s all about MAKE UP AND WEAVE! Yes, even Gaby Union, Nia Long and Halle Berry have plenty of fake things about them. Television and movies embellish relationships and situations to give you this fantasy to dream about, it’s not to be worked towards actually achieving.

The media works hard to create stories of drama and romance for those that have nothing going on in their own real lives… and we buy it. We buy the magazines, we listen to the gossip on the radio, and we follow along on all of the social networking sites. It’s fun, but not always healthy because once again, it provides a false sense of perfectionism when in reality you don’t know anything that’s going on in those people’s lives. We’ve seen the Kobe situation, followed along with Kim Kardashian as she’s moved from guy to guy, and witnessed Tony Parker cheat on Eva Longoria and so much more. But we never actually know the FULL story to those situations and what goes on behind closed doors in their relationships. You can’t compare yourself to these people because no matter what you see on the outside, their lives are far from perfect!

When it comes to sexuality in relationships and things like porn, these also can have effects on a couple’s bedroom experience together. Some guys gawk at every move and position in porn to the point where when they get in the bedroom, they strive to be these porn stars and want their woman to perform exactly how they view their favorite female porn stars. I think it’s completely unfair to compare your woman to what you see in these flicks because that is their J-O-B, they are trained actress’ who do this day in and day out to get the reaction they are getting out of you.

When it comes to how all of these media outlets affect relationships, men and women become pressured by all types of things to feel like they have to live up to something for their mate. You really have to think about it and set aside what you view and see in other people’s lives and take a look at your OWN reality. It’s unfair to put these unrealistic expectations on each other because we’re not living in a fantasy land. Unless you want your girl getting butt implants and plastic surgery to look like your favorite celeb then don’t put her on that type of pedestal and ladies, NO ONE is going to be Noah from the Notebook, so while your man may romance you… treat him like a human and not a robot, after all… no one is perfect!

Introducing... Feature Friday!

Are you in the process of doing big things or becoming the next superstar in your industry?

This is for you! This year I’m starting “Feature Friday”. Feature Friday will take place every other Friday and will feature people that want to get their name out there and share with the world what they do and why they’re great at it! If you are into music, acting, opening up your own business, the next NFL star, the best 4^th grade teacher… no matter what I’d love to help get your name out there! Each week I’ll tweet for submissions and if I choose to feature you, I’ll interview you and you’ll be posted up for those 2 weeks, starting January 14 J

If you’d like to be featured – email me or follow me on twitter @cherieamourxox & let me know!