Don't Act Like a Hoe & Wonder Why...

So, I’m well aware that everyone is entitled to their own opinion when it comes to just about everything… especially how certain females should be treated in terms of how they portray themselves. There are people who side with the opinion that if a female is dressed like a hoe – she should be treated as such. Then there are those who argue that a female should be able to dress and act any way she wants and not have to worry about the harassment or comments that come with that. And maybe they are right. But then I pose the question: can those types of females get angry or feel slighted when no one will wife them? (Well, I’m sure SOMEONE out there will, but not a decent dude like they want to end up with.)

I say… it comes with the territory.

We all remember a few months back when Ines Sainz – female television reporter – was interviewing Mark Sanchez of the NY Jets and had "cat calls and rude comments" made at her and also had a football thrown at her in their locker room. But, it was no secret that Sainz often wore risqué outfits that showed off her breasts and tush when interviewing athletes. Later it was also reported that she took half naked pictures that were floating around the internet and can also be found on her "professional" website. She wants to be viewed as a professional journalist, yet posts almost nude photos on what is supposed to be her PROFESSIONAL website. So, how should we label her?

Time and time again (like EVERY "titty tuesday" on Twitter) -- I see females posting these naked photos of themselves. In just the last week alone I've seen tons of "respectable" females hit Miami and other beaches for Spring Break and take on a whole new persona with retweeted pictures of them topless on the beach and other nameless acts that I'm sure they will soon come to regret in a few years. Now, I love to party and have fun... so I'm not discounting that, but I am passing judgment on the girls who do this stuff and then question why no one takes them seriously and no man wants to be with them. HELLO! I just have to sit back and shake my head because some of them seriously don't get it. You "smash the homies", go to parties and do anything and everything to be the center of attention for all the men there and show up half naked everywhere, yet YOU WONDER WHY no man will claim you as his girlfriend? Men care very much about their public image and how others will view them for being the one to “wife the hoe”. Have you not learned that men talk? If not... learn quickly!

So ultimately, of course you'll have guys trying to hang out with you -- because based on what he's seen or heard of you, you're easy… and maybe your personality is cool. So he thinks he has a chance. But when it comes down to it, any respectable man with decent morals and character traits would absolutely never make you his girlfriend. Let's not even get into marriage! It's sad because some of these chics really AREN'T the sluts that they display themselves as... but regardless of what you ACTUALLY do behind closed doors, this is what people see of you every day on campus, in the office or among friends. You wake up every day and decide what image you are going to give of yourself to those around you and unfortunately you are judged on those actions each and every day.

So stop wondering, "Why?"

Why do you think you deserve anything more? That's like Kim K getting upset because no one will put a ring on it. UH, Kimmy did you forget that little tape you did a few years back? She showed the WORLD everything in her sex tape. No one even gets to guess what her body looks like naked or what type of “love faces” she makes. Let men use their imagination. Let them dream a little. Keep them guessing. Giving it all at once is no fun and if he can just get on the Internet and see it all... what do you THINK he thinks of you? So next time you have to question a man on his motives or wonder why you can't get a decent guy or ever have a boyfriend... how about you question YOURSELF about "why" you choose to portray yourself in that manner and maybe that will help you answer those questions.

Guys That Leave the Toilet Seat Up are NOT Marriage Material

Ever gone into the bathroom after a guy and seen the toilet seat and an after spray around the toilet of the “business” he just handled in there? Let me just say GROSS, GROSS and GROSS! Unless you are 5, there is no reason that there should be any indication of what you just did in the bathroom or a trail left behind. There is no reason that your girlfriend or any female for that matter should walk into the bathroom and clean up after you or any mess you made.

Based on an experience I had, the bathroom is just one example of where a guy’s “home training” carries over to other aspects of their lives which completely takes away any chance of them being marriage material down the line. Essentially though, I’m speaking about guys out there who have NO etiquette or manners whatsoever but yet are constantly trying to date a girl who is the full package and more. The guys that you can’t go out to eat with because your appetite will be lost from the way they chew and smack their food like a horse in a pasture. Guys that you can’t be seen out with because they are constantly picking up their phone yelling at their homeboy and cussing like a sailor. The guy that definitely couldn’t be your date to a company event because they don’t know how to turn off the slang and hike their pants up a little bit to be presentable enough for public. Yeah, probably the same guy that always orders the CHICKEN off the menu because he won’t step out of the box and try anything new.

Unfortunately, there are so many guys like that exist and think they can go out here and get any female they want. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. Going back to my previous “Maybe It’s You” blog – sometimes you have to take a look at the bigger picture and see what you’re doing wrong. How can you call yourself a “grown man” when you’re actions and behaviors are reflecting that of a small child? If we see in the beginning that you are exhibiting laziness within your own life – there is no way you will make it to hubby status, or even BOYFRIEND status at that.

In the end it all comes down to respect for yourself and females – either a female you are dealing with or attempting to deal with. If you are dealing with her, not quite sure how you made it that far lol but if there is someone you are attempting to talk to, please COME CORRECT. We aren't looking for a guy that we have to spend hours teaching how to do simple things that you should have learned at a young age. If you don’t know how to pick and clean up after yourself by now, that is a PROBLEM. Don’t expect for any woman with a bit of decency to deal with you if she constantly has to teach you HOW to be a man. Just think: How can you be out here looking for a partner, when you aren't a complete person yourself? 

Movies, Media, Porn & the Bar They Set in Relationships

Media plays an enormous effect on dating and relationships in a number of ways from television to movies, constantly watching and following celebrities’ relationships and porn. Couples strive to achieve this higher level of romance and sexuality based on unrealistic expectations from a bar that can never be reached. Men fantasize that their next girlfriend and future wife will look like Angelina Jolie, Beyonce and Megan Fox, while women dream that they will be swept off their feet with romance from movies like the Notebook and Twilight.

When it comes to television and movies, I think pressure is put on men to live up to these unrealistic standards of romance that ultimately almost no man can compare to. I believe that “good men” exist and are out there, but in terms of men who make no mistakes or who will swoop you up and fall at your every word --- media plays into this flawed perception that every relationship is really like that. Everyone has issues and even if you get the most “perfect” man for you, you can’t compare him to what you’ve seen in a movie or on tv and expect him to compare. When it comes to women and how perfect they look in media aspects, guys fail to realize it’s all about MAKE UP AND WEAVE! Yes, even Gaby Union, Nia Long and Halle Berry have plenty of fake things about them. Television and movies embellish relationships and situations to give you this fantasy to dream about, it’s not to be worked towards actually achieving.

The media works hard to create stories of drama and romance for those that have nothing going on in their own real lives… and we buy it. We buy the magazines, we listen to the gossip on the radio, and we follow along on all of the social networking sites. It’s fun, but not always healthy because once again, it provides a false sense of perfectionism when in reality you don’t know anything that’s going on in those people’s lives. We’ve seen the Kobe situation, followed along with Kim Kardashian as she’s moved from guy to guy, and witnessed Tony Parker cheat on Eva Longoria and so much more. But we never actually know the FULL story to those situations and what goes on behind closed doors in their relationships. You can’t compare yourself to these people because no matter what you see on the outside, their lives are far from perfect!

When it comes to sexuality in relationships and things like porn, these also can have effects on a couple’s bedroom experience together. Some guys gawk at every move and position in porn to the point where when they get in the bedroom, they strive to be these porn stars and want their woman to perform exactly how they view their favorite female porn stars. I think it’s completely unfair to compare your woman to what you see in these flicks because that is their J-O-B, they are trained actress’ who do this day in and day out to get the reaction they are getting out of you.

When it comes to how all of these media outlets affect relationships, men and women become pressured by all types of things to feel like they have to live up to something for their mate. You really have to think about it and set aside what you view and see in other people’s lives and take a look at your OWN reality. It’s unfair to put these unrealistic expectations on each other because we’re not living in a fantasy land. Unless you want your girl getting butt implants and plastic surgery to look like your favorite celeb then don’t put her on that type of pedestal and ladies, NO ONE is going to be Noah from the Notebook, so while your man may romance you… treat him like a human and not a robot, after all… no one is perfect!

Knowing WHEN to Make That Change

While listening to John Legend’s “I can change”, I came across this thought: “Is changing about knowing WHEN to change or having someone WORTH changing for?”

Time and time again guys come across “good” females and vice versa and yet, choose to pass them up because they are not willing to put aside the games, the party life and the side pieces and close that little black book long enough to realize that they have something good right in front of them. So should we expect that people wake up one day and simply decide “Oh it’s time for me to grow up and work towards eventually being in a relationship”? Highly unlikely. I believe it’s something that is decided when you meet THAT person of quality that you’ve been “looking for” and then it’s up to you to realize what you have and decide to change your ways. When you come across the person that actually keeps your attention long enough and makes you not want to go out and find other people, that’s when the change comes naturally.

I’m not saying that this “change” requires spending Saturday evenings in the house reading and knitting and not having a social life anymore, it’s just about growing up a little and closing the bachelor/ette chapter of your life… at least for the time being. In the song, Snoop mentions ”When you find one like that, you have to make that change, cause they don’t come to often… and when they do come, you got to be smart enough to know when to change.” Everyone has the specs written out in their head about their prototype and qualities they prefer in their mate. When you meet that person, they’re vibe and attitude should make you WANT to do better. And that is exactly why no man (or woman) can be FORCED to give up a certain lifestyle or get rid of other people that they’re dating.

Change varies from person to person. There are a few people that need a whole re-vamp on their relationship etiquette, some just need to give up some habits here and there and others will just NEVER get it; those will be the single 40 year olds still trying to pick up girls at the club 15 years from now. It’s all about your own personal needs. If you’re a partier and you enjoy spending 4 nights a week in the club, by all means do you… however, don’t think for one second that your bf/gf is going to sit at home and wait around for you while you continue to party and most likely meet other people. If you are scared and always keep people on the side for fear of commitment, the bug just hasn’t gotten to you yet. One of these days you’ll meet someone to make you want to get rid of the others. After all, what will you need them for if this one has all the qualities you've ever wanted and more?

But ultimately, it takes realization and unfortunately for some, it’s realizing what you have before it’s too late. I’ve seen guys date a perfectly fine girl and tell me how great she is and this and that and RIGHT before he goes to get rid of the others because he sees he doesn’t need them, bam… she finds something out about him that completely ruins the situation. It happens every day… so if you are sitting in front of someone who you know should be cherished and done right by, do the right thing… or let them go. There is someone out there willing to make that CHANGE for them if you aren’t!

Social Networking and Relationships

Back in the day, relationships had to be so much simpler. There were so many less layers to things and so much has been added to the mix since. It’s funny because my mom always jokes with me about how much things have changed even in terms of the defining lines of being in a relationship. It’s so much more acceptable now to just be “talking to him” or “messing with her” – back then, either you were in a relationship or you weren't… there was no in between. And then, what about social networking? This adds a whole new element to the relationship. Is it okay to follow your bf/gf on twitter? Should you announce to all of Facebook when you get in a relationship?


Personally, I say no. If you followed your boyfriend or girlfriend prior to the relationship, then let it stay that way. When you first enter a relationship, it’s not necessary to go announce it to the world. Now, I do think that when asked by someone or if it comes up – it should be known, but it’s not needed to shout it to the world as soon as it happens. If you do follow your boyfriend or girlfriend on twitter, do it for the right reasons. Just like a cell phone, don’t go snooping in the conversations being had between them and other people because it comes down to if you trust them or not. If you have to go snoop and look for stuff and trust is lacking, you should be questioning your relationship from the beginning anyway. Similarly, just because someone doesn’t announce on Facebook that they are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that they AREN’T in one. Some people like to keep their information like that personal and prefer to keep their relationship secretive and out of the lime light. If that has been discussed between them, then that’s just it… there is no rule that letting the world know really makes it OFFICIAL.

I think that since they became popular, social networking sites have definitely caused problems in peoples relationships because most of the time people ALLOW them to. If you read too much into the #ineedagirlwho trending topic your man is tweeting about on Twitter, or you see a comment saying “Hey hun how are you” from a male on your girl’s wall on Facebook and flip out – you are allowing unnecessary things to cause problems in your relationship. As I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, “The Title is for the Public” – if you are only basing your love and affection from your partner based on his mentions towards you on Twitter or comments on your wall, you should probably reevaluate your relationship, because it sounds like all you are worried about is what the public is seeing of you all.

Ultimately, it comes down to how both of you all feel. If you all are both okay with putting that you are in a relationship on Twitter or following and tweeting each other on Twitter… then that most likely means it hasn’t caused a problem yet and shouldn’t. Just like anything else, the problem can be as big or small as you make it… Social networking is supposed to be fun, if used the right way… so don’t allow it to be anything more than what it was intended for in your relationship either.

Dishing My Review: For Colored Girls

Sunday, I went to see the Tyler Perry movie -- "For Colored Girls", based on the play “For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide When the Rainbow is Enuf” by Ntozake Shange.

A lot of people kept saying how sad and depressing it was but I actually never dropped a tear and I’m usually a CRIER! So, before I went I googled the play to get a little overview of exactly how the suicide and rainbow came into play. Basically, each color in the rainbow is representative of each woman in the play and they each have a separate stories about their lives that are  shared through out  the play. 

So, yes while it was definitely dramatic (as Tyler Perry movies normally are) – it was also very REAL. I kept seeing a number of tweets saying how depressing it was but every account in the movie comes from a real life stand point and I know firsthand plenty of women who have been through things that the movie addressed. The movie dealt with abortion, rape, married men on the down low and AIDS, STDs, post war alcohol abuse, domestic abuse, holding onto a dead relationship, religion, mother daughter relationships, family molestation, and overall, the subtle connection that all black women share. I appreciated every single issue covered because unfortunately in our families and in our community, many people do not bring up or talk about these issues and solutions to them enough.

Many men felt (as they usually do with Tyler Perry movies) that they were “bashed” as usual and the movie gave good men in the world no credit. Well, that was pretty much the case, but this time, this wasn’t Tyler’s work. The film did not show a lot of positivity towards black males, but then again, despite the fact that there are good men left, a lot of our communities are still suffering and plighted by the issues that were addressed in the movie. Whether there are good black men still out in the world or not is beside the point when these issues are so dominant and often overlooked and ignored. I just feel like if you are truly a GOOD black male, you don’t need a movie to give you credit – for what? If you are TRULY a good man, you do your part regardless and aren’t looking for a handout, pat on the back or cookie for what you do. But, if you are a black male that feels this way about the movie – then do your part in the community to help others and get these issues heard and make sure that when you marry, you raise your daughter to RECOGNIZE the good black men and your son to BE a good black man.

I particularly enjoyed the poetic segments throughout the movie – which I know not everyone would like because some people just don’t “get” stuff like that. You definitely had to pay close attention to the words of the poems, and even I need to watch the movie again to pick up on some of the metaphors that were used. I also liked how in the beginning each of the women lived a separate life and went about their business each and every day (as most of us out here do) and in the end; they ended up intertwined because they shared so many similarities they initially had no idea about. This goes to show that each day as you walk by your sister in the grocery store, or pass each other on the metro going to work, you truly have NO idea what she could be dealing with or going through. People use smiles, laughter and make up to cover up a lot. As I sat in the theater, I had goosebumps because the bond of black women is undefined and unspoken. Each of us has our own struggles in life – some more extreme than others – but in the end, we share one single strand of similarity: being an African American woman, and that is something that no one else can take from us, no one else can identify with and no one else will truly understand until they walk in our shoes.

Be His Girlfriend, Not His Mom

This morning on the way into work, I received a text from my friend telling me my next blog topic was being talked about on a radio show. I turned and listened, trying to pick up the conversation and see what they were talking about. I heard female callers, calling in talking about how they take care of their man too much and some saying they liked taking care of their man because they like to be in control. In essence, the question of the day was – how much is TOO much, in terms of taking care of your man?

Some of the women calling in were mentioning that they enjoyed taking care of their man because it let them be in control of things. Other women complained that it was a love/hate thing: they loved taking care of their man, but hated having to do everything. The men mostly had a different opinion that no man should be taken care of by any woman, no matter what. Now, when they say “take care of”, I got out of it that they meant – doing everything for their man, from buying him things, cooking, cleaning, reminding him things, to wiping his ass (just kidding, but I’m sure there are women who almost wish they could, just because it allows them to control the situation and know what’s going on smh).

I think there is a thin line between A. taking care of your man in the sense of being his partner and working WITH him and B. the extreme of playing mother to him to the point where you end up babying him. It’s okay to show love to and appreciate him, in terms of showing support for what he enjoys, compromising and even sometimes knowing when to be submissive. If you are constantly following behind him and his every move, picking up after him, double checking to make sure he's done things... that's ridiculous.

Personally, I was raised in a way and am attracted to a “manly man”. So, while I don’t have a problem doing stuff myself, I still believe that men should be the fixer uppers of the house and women should cook and take care of certain other things. This is not to say that women can’t take the trash out or come home one day to a home cooked meal from their man or when she cooks, he can’t help out by washing the dishes, helping to do laundry, change the kids diapers, etc. I just believe in the traditional household, so I don’t think women should play into the whole overly “independent woman” cop-out. A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP – each person puts in their part and sometimes the woman will NEED the man, just like other times the man will NEED the woman.

If you have to constantly be in control of what your man or woman is doing, you might want to reconsider a relationship right now because that is not how it works. No one should be with someone who LETS them pay for everything or allows them to take on all of the responsibilities of the relationship. How long do you think that will actually work? There is no way that anyone you are considering for a long term partner should allow everything to fall into your lap. Every man was born from the womb of ONE woman -- their mother and unless you are her, there are some things you just should not have to do for him. It becomes easy for him to become used to something if it's something you started out doing from the beginning. Cater to your man, HELP him if he needs it, support his goals – but don’t enable him as a man by doing everything for him. Each person needs to play their part in terms of responsibility and more importantly accountability. So, sorry... I just can’t respect any man that allows a woman to do EVERYTHING for him – 2010 or not.

How Soon is "too soon" to Move On?

Recently, I was talking to someone and they made a comment about the moving on time in relationships -- suggesting that there was “too quick” of a time for someone to be dating someone new after breaking up with their last partner. So, does the relationship manual of life set a time that is okay and socially acceptable to be dating a new person after a break-up, or is it just something each person has to gauge for themselves?

For starters… I don’t think it’s okay to follow what is socially okay simply for the acceptance of society; I’m all about doing what makes YOU happy. Meaning: NO there is not a set time that you have to have between one relationship to another because it’s a made up rule. I think a lot of timing in relationships is about comfort levels and the depth that your relationship transpires at. Everyone moves at their own rate in terms of opening up to someone and getting comfortable. In some situations you and someone just click instantly so you grow together quicker. The amount of time you all spend together matters too. For example, you could meet someone and get to spend every waking moment together from the day you meet, or you could meet someone and only get to see them once a week. This slows down the process of building a consistent bond. And then other factors like what you all are both looking for at the time when you meet, past baggage, etc… play into the situation as well.

Your relationship with the last person could have been going on for 2 years but you got cheated on a year into the relationship and stayed with the person for the sake of love and “making it work”… technically your heart was out of it the moment you found out you got cheated on and you knew that soon it was naturally going to come to an end. Or let’s say you and your partner live in two different places and you all are holding on to the last thread of your long distance relationship. One of you all has started getting close to someone else (not that I condone it, but it happens) – a couple months later you break up with them finally realizing it had been over. In these situations, the time it takes to move on to someone else seems short because in all actuality your heart has been out of the first situation before you even entered the second – whether you were actually in a relationship with the person or not.

Other times, moving on happens naturally, over time and can happen quicker just depending on the timing of things. I think the important thing is just making sure you aren’t using the 2nd relationship as a rebound. Don’t jump from one thing to another for the sake of having someone around. Not okay. If you were the one who got broken up with, you should probably take a little bit more time to get over the person because it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship… so your heart is most likely still attached. If it was a bad break-up, I also say give it a little time just for the sake of understanding mistakes that were made so that they are not made again in the new relationship.

At the end of the day, if it feels right to you and your partner… do you! You two are the only people in your relationship and the only thoughts that matter when it comes down to it. Friends and outsiders are going to make comments or judge if they think you are moving too quickly but ultimately if it feels right… embrace the feeling :)

Cutting People Off: Why It’s Best for Everyone

Knowing how to properly cut someone off can be useful in various situations:

Everyone knows that when talking to (or “dating”) a bunch of different people… eventually you find one that moves up the list pretty quickly and over the others. It’s pretty inevitable that if you are dating 5 people at once, probably about 2 of them are just people that you can kick it with but don’t have much potential for more, 1 of them is pretty fun but you all don’t chill very often and haven’t gotten that close and then maybe 1 is the one that you see potential in but still wants to live the single life and you’re closer to settling down – then there’s the ONE – the one that you could definitely see longevity with, you have tons of fun with and you’re getting closer to it just being exclusive with them.

Or maybe you have the lingering ex that you just can’t get rid of and you don’t want your communication with him/her to jeopardize something you are building with the new person you’re “talking to”.

In each scenario it comes down to efficient communication. If you are serious about the new person you are dating, and you see a future with them – there is no reason to keep the old baggage around.

In the case of other people you were talking to, you and them haven’t moved forward to become something closer for a reason. Either you two aren’t as compatible or they aren’t ready for this point. You can’t force them to get there so why not stick with what is making you happy. If the new person you are dating thinks that you two are mutually moving towards something exclusive, it’s not fair to them to have all of these people lingering around. And really, most of the time other people are kept around is out of fear and safety. Fear that the new person might do something wrong or stop talking to us and safety because it feels safe to have more people to deal with rather than just one… for the “just in case”. Talk to the other people you were dating and let them know that you are working towards building something serious with someone and you can’t see them on that level anymore. You would like to remain friends but that’s the level it has to be kept at from this point forward.

If you have the ex lingering around… make sure either the new person knows about them and you alls potential to possibly get back together or… get rid of them! They are your ex for a reason and if you all have potential to get back together, in my opinion, it’s only right that the other person know what type of situation they are dealing with or have gotten themselves into. If you honestly have no intention of getting back with your ex, why keep them around? It’s not fair on both parts – to the ex: because you are letting them think there is still a chance and to the new person: because you aren’t being completely honest and OMITTING information is just as bad as lying. The same thing applies here, communicate with them and don’t allow their feelings to make you feel bad or guilty. If you all are truly over, then while they might not understand – they have no choice but to respect that you have moved on and are no longer dealing with them.

Make everyone’s lives easier (including yours) and be open and honest from day one… that way 6 months down the road when you want to actually be in a relationship with that person, no one’s feelings are hurt… or at least if they are, they can’t say you never told them!

Seasons of Love ♥

Lately I’ve been seeing (and hearing) a lot of talk about “bunnin season” – which essentially means when the winter season approaches and people start deciding they want to be cuddled up with someone in the house and spend time with one person on a consistent basis. Whereas, during spring/the coming of summer and warm weather it’s time to drop that “main boo” and talk to whoever/date around. I know that for the most part it’s all in jokes and fun but some people really do this and feel like it is unacceptable to be consistent based on the change of a season. But in reality… if you have serious feelings for someone, real love and/or feelings don’t change when the seasons change.

Yesterday I was reading an article on Necole Bitchie’s blog, by Dr. J (who has written multiple articles on her site on the topic of Love and Relationships) entitled “When is the right time to say I Love You” – so one of his comments from the article was:

“Me personally, I believe you should at LEAST wait two seasons.  (There’s tons of research and analysis done on the power of the seasons and their relation to relationships.)  If we meet in the Spring, I don’t expect to hear you love me until Thanksgiving.”

Hmm. The verdict is still out on how many people agree with this. But, I’m going to break down my opinion on love and timing. When it comes to feelings and love, I believe it’s all about FEELING, not necessarily timing. When I say “feeling” I mean in terms of how YOU feel about the other person, how THEY feel about you and how you all feel about YOUR relationship. There are some people that consider themselves in a relationship with someone they have been with for a year but haven’t seen but once a month for that year. Others have been with someone for 3 months but have spent every waking moment with that person for the past 3 months. In either relationship, someone could consider the feeling of love towards the other person. I think the problem is too many people try to play the “timing game” and think about relationships and love in terms of how long they’ve known the person and when is “the right time” for certain things. Love doesn’t automatically show up in 3 months or a year… it shows up when the feelings appear. When things get too technical like that, that’s when it becomes unnatural and you step in the way of your feelings. Whether you like a person or not, the feelings are clear, even when it comes to friends and enemies. And I believe that when you have strong feelings for someone it’s inevitable, try fighting it all you want. Now everyone has different definitions of love. Me, I don’t try to define it because I think that it honestly can’t be explained. It’s just something you know. Based on your communication with that person, you alls interactions, the way you FEEL when they are around you… etc.

I also do not believe that it takes at least 2 seasons to love someone. Not saying that you shouldn’t wait a while to MAKE SURE it’s love and not lust… that definitely is important but I just don’t think you should limit it by saying, “Oh well, we’ve only been dating for 4 months, so I can’t say it yet.” I believe it should be based on the situations you all go through, the reactions to those situations and the relationship you all have built together and the way it feels. Go with instinct, if you don’t think it’s love… it’s probably not. Now this whole “bunnin season” thing… LOL is all I can say if you truly do that. Be consistent year round, not just when winter hits.

The Title is for the Public

At what age are we too old to run around and referring to someone as “my boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? – When does it become a straightforward, mutual agreement between two grown people that you all are simply in an exclusive relationship? I don’t have the answer to this, mainly because I don’t believe there is one specific answer. To each their own because to some people, their love and relationship is only validated by a title. In my opinion, this is what justifies my reasoning for saying “titles are for the public”.

If you and another person are perfectly comfortable with yourselves and each other, know what you both want and are willing to accept, and have a clear understanding about your relationship, you enjoy each other’s company and it’s as simple as that, there is no title needed to stamp the feelings. People get so wrapped up in the IDEA of having love and a relationship and get in competition with their friend’s relationships and those that they see in society – they start to lose track of the simplicity of things. “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard” (Lauryn Hill) – true statement.

I’ve played both sides. I’ve been the girl that felt that the only way I would be satisfied was if he was my BOYFRIEND and I was his GIRLFRIEND. Shame on me. I soon came to a realization that in the end, all that matters is him and I. Simple equation.

In some cases, when someone is just “talking to” someone, it’s not enough for them. They lay on the pressure for a title, “I need to be your girlfriend” – or the ultimatum “If I can’t be your girlfriend, we need to stop talking, it’s not fair”. Why is this? Multiple reasons:

- Validation for the outside world, i.e. friends

- Validation for themselves “If he becomes my man, there’s less of a chance of him cheating on me” O_o

- Validation for actions – once I’m his girl, he will change

These are all flawed. Notice many of the friends asking why you two aren’t together, and giving you all the “relationship” advice to pressure him to be with you aren’t even in relationships themselves (or are constantly in and out of them)!!! If open and honest communication exists between you all and you are on the same page, there is no reason you need a label to make it the “real” thing. Feelings are feelings; they do not change with a title. If a man (or woman for that matter) is going to cheat or mess around on you – guess what, a title isn’t holding them back. Actions are no different, if they are a liar, a cheater; they go out too much, disrespect you, etc. Sorry, but a title is NOT changing this. People do what they want to and if they are truly in it and their feelings are genuine, they will do the right thing, title or not.

Knowing Your Role: Are you the side dish or the 5 course meal?

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t know what their role is, OR if they do know their role, they don’t know how to play it. When I say “role” – I’m speaking in terms of a male to female relationship, and in this post I’m applying this particularly to females. Not knowing or playing your role can cause so many issues and confusion in any type of relationship with someone. Whether you are supposed to be just his friend (& when I say friend, I REALLY mean friend, none of the benefits included), a friend WITH benefits (i.e. just a piece of ass, a side joint), a main joint or the girlfriend.

Breakdown:

The Drink – Just the friend. Someone you always have to have around, you always need, is apart of every meal but is kept right there, nothing more, nothing less. People tend to use this word WAY too loosely and get it mixed up with other definitions. In this case ladies, if you are truly his friend, there are no feelings involved, no sex, no messing around, no dating, etc. Now some people like to argue that there is no such thing as a male/female friendship. I beg to differ. But, I do know that in many cases if a female has a male friend most likely either they USED to talk or date or s/he WANTS to be dating. In some cases though, it is strictly platonic.

The Snack – Always quick to grab whenever you want it off the late night, it’s tempting, and fulfills your desire for something but she comes and goes. Ahhh. The friend with benefits, typically the role with the hardest defining line. This is usually because it starts out at strictly sexually based. Everything is cool and both parties are okay with it being just about sex and that’s it. Then one day… BAM… Feelings appear. Damn those feelings! Typically caught by the female, everything slowly starts to get a little weird. She wants more… more texts, more phone calls, more effort, more time. Wait? Wasn’t this just STRICLY about sex two months ago? Wasn’t she just saying she didn’t want a relationship and everything was cool? Now all of the sudden this chic wants a date? She wants to meet the friends and family? WHOA. Now, it’s important for both parties here to be clear from the start. Fellas, if you want a girl to STRICTLY be a friend with benefits, I suggest not bringing her around family, friends, no dates, none of the cute things for no reason, if she’s buying you things you miiiiight not want to accept them – because some females just don’t understand and when you start throwing in things that can be confused as “he likes me” actions that’s when you create a problem for yourself. Ladies, if you care about your feelings and them being hurt, please read between the lines. If he wanted to be doing things for you and with you, he would and you wouldn’t have to force it. End of story.

The Side Dish – The Side Joint. Something to add on the side to the main dish, there could be a couple of these, they add a little something extra that maybe the main course just doesn’t provide. If you are the side joint, you are just someone to have around. This is the girl that’s probably cool to hang out with, good convo, good sex, whatever. There is a slight chance she could end up being more one day, but most likely not. She can act up if she wants to, but she’s easily replaceable and at the end of the day, you can take or leave her because there is always the main dish or the 5 course meal.

The Main Dish – The Main Joint. Provides the substance usually the heartiest, and more complex dish on your menu. This dish satisfies the meal. This is the one you spend a majority of your time with. She’s always down for you, always around when you need her, helps fulfill what you need but there might just be that ONE thing that makes you not want to make her anything more. Or maybe it’s just the timing but it’s been communicated that she’s definitely more than just a side dish and she understands. Either way, she probably sticks around for a while.

The 5 Course Meal – This is the girlfriend. A meal like this is something you can’t always indulge in because it’s hard to come by a good one of these, but when you do get one it’s everything and more. This meal keeps you full and wanting nothing else. She’s got all the courses – including the drink because she’s your friend too. If at any point you THINK you are the girlfriend, chances are you are wrong. This is something that has been communicated to you and if you’ve never met the friends or family and he never takes you out, but he tells you you’re the girlfriend – he’s lying, you’re probably just the side dish babe!

Why it’s important to know your role: For one, if you don’t… you end up looking stupid and pathetic. While you’re running around telling everyone that you talk to or date this guy, he’s telling all his boys about how he can conveniently hit you up off the late night and how you’ll drop everything and run to him. Two, your feelings end up hurt. If you told him from jump it’s strictly about sex, let it be what it is. Trying to force things that just AREN’T is where people mess up and end up loosing a possible friend. And three, it just keeps everything so much more simple. Don’t get it twisted, this is not just a thing females do, males let it happen to. Ultimately it’s about communication. Draw the line and don’t step over it. If you know AND play your role – you’ll be so much better off, trust me.

Dish of the day – Men, Women & Change.

“Women marry women hoping to change them; Men marry women hoping they’ll never change”

So this post is dedicated to my parent’s 24^th anniversary yesterday. 24 years of being with ONE person… definitely a beautiful thing. Hence the reason I believe in marriage, don’t believe in divorce and advocate for waiting until marriage for children. Watching their marriage has definitely had a positive impact on my life and taught me a lot of interesting things. The quotation at the top is something my mom constantly told me as a girl growing up and I never really understood the meaning until looking at the female/male dynamics and motives when in a relationship, analyzing some of my own actions as well and breaking down some of the reasons that quotation might or might not actually be the case.

I think as a woman we have a tendency to overanalyze things and think that we can control a lot more than we can. In terms of relationships, it becomes hard sometimes to determine the dividing line between telling a man something about himself in a way that is seen as helpful and would help him grow versus nagging about stuff he does and trying to critique his “flaws” in hopes of bringing about a change in them and in him overall. I can’t speak for all women, but I know there are the types that meet a sub par man and think to themselves “Now, if I could just change this, this and that… he would be perfect”… WRONG! Especially at the age we are now, there is certainly room for growth but no man is going to change and mold himself to be whatever it is that woman wants him to be. Change takes a person seeing something negative in them, accepting it, and working towards making it better. It’s best to give your opinion and let him acknowledge it himself and if you don’t see the results you want or he doesn’t agree… leave it alone or walk away if it’s going to be that much of an issue.

When it comes to men never wanting to see their woman or wife change, I completely agree. I think (and see) a lot of women that get in relationships, get comfortable because they have their man and he loves them and BAM completely let go of everything she was doing when she met him – this includes activities, friends, appearance, motivation, etc. Just sad. I’m not quite sure what makes a woman think that her man wants her sitting up under him all day, but disclaimer ladies: it’s unattractive! If you had a job, you were involved doing a bunch of outside activities, you hung out with your girlfriends frequently and you kept your hair and nails done to attract that man, keep it up. Yes, he should love you for you, but at the end of the day men are physical people and if he truly loves you, he wants you to remain true to you first – he will be there.

From watching my parent’s marriage, I’ve learned these 10 things (& more) --

1. It has its ups and downs but it is unconditional and forever.
2. Communication, communication, communication.
3. Get to know each other for as long as possible before getting married, there is no rush.
4. A successful marriage takes sacrifices on BOTH sides.
5. Forgiving is SO important and vital.
6. Keeping God first is what keeps things together and gets you through the storms.
7. Remain true to yourself.
8. Sometimes a little time apart goes a long way.
9. Trying new things together keeps it interesting and fresh.
10. Never forget the reasons you got married in the first place.

Dedicated to my parents. Happy 24^th! I love you both sooo much ♥