Guys That Leave the Toilet Seat Up are NOT Marriage Material

Ever gone into the bathroom after a guy and seen the toilet seat and an after spray around the toilet of the “business” he just handled in there? Let me just say GROSS, GROSS and GROSS! Unless you are 5, there is no reason that there should be any indication of what you just did in the bathroom or a trail left behind. There is no reason that your girlfriend or any female for that matter should walk into the bathroom and clean up after you or any mess you made.

Based on an experience I had, the bathroom is just one example of where a guy’s “home training” carries over to other aspects of their lives which completely takes away any chance of them being marriage material down the line. Essentially though, I’m speaking about guys out there who have NO etiquette or manners whatsoever but yet are constantly trying to date a girl who is the full package and more. The guys that you can’t go out to eat with because your appetite will be lost from the way they chew and smack their food like a horse in a pasture. Guys that you can’t be seen out with because they are constantly picking up their phone yelling at their homeboy and cussing like a sailor. The guy that definitely couldn’t be your date to a company event because they don’t know how to turn off the slang and hike their pants up a little bit to be presentable enough for public. Yeah, probably the same guy that always orders the CHICKEN off the menu because he won’t step out of the box and try anything new.

Unfortunately, there are so many guys like that exist and think they can go out here and get any female they want. Sorry, doesn’t work that way. Going back to my previous “Maybe It’s You” blog – sometimes you have to take a look at the bigger picture and see what you’re doing wrong. How can you call yourself a “grown man” when you’re actions and behaviors are reflecting that of a small child? If we see in the beginning that you are exhibiting laziness within your own life – there is no way you will make it to hubby status, or even BOYFRIEND status at that.

In the end it all comes down to respect for yourself and females – either a female you are dealing with or attempting to deal with. If you are dealing with her, not quite sure how you made it that far lol but if there is someone you are attempting to talk to, please COME CORRECT. We aren't looking for a guy that we have to spend hours teaching how to do simple things that you should have learned at a young age. If you don’t know how to pick and clean up after yourself by now, that is a PROBLEM. Don’t expect for any woman with a bit of decency to deal with you if she constantly has to teach you HOW to be a man. Just think: How can you be out here looking for a partner, when you aren't a complete person yourself? 

Social Networking and Relationships

Back in the day, relationships had to be so much simpler. There were so many less layers to things and so much has been added to the mix since. It’s funny because my mom always jokes with me about how much things have changed even in terms of the defining lines of being in a relationship. It’s so much more acceptable now to just be “talking to him” or “messing with her” – back then, either you were in a relationship or you weren't… there was no in between. And then, what about social networking? This adds a whole new element to the relationship. Is it okay to follow your bf/gf on twitter? Should you announce to all of Facebook when you get in a relationship?


Personally, I say no. If you followed your boyfriend or girlfriend prior to the relationship, then let it stay that way. When you first enter a relationship, it’s not necessary to go announce it to the world. Now, I do think that when asked by someone or if it comes up – it should be known, but it’s not needed to shout it to the world as soon as it happens. If you do follow your boyfriend or girlfriend on twitter, do it for the right reasons. Just like a cell phone, don’t go snooping in the conversations being had between them and other people because it comes down to if you trust them or not. If you have to go snoop and look for stuff and trust is lacking, you should be questioning your relationship from the beginning anyway. Similarly, just because someone doesn’t announce on Facebook that they are in a relationship, doesn’t mean that they AREN’T in one. Some people like to keep their information like that personal and prefer to keep their relationship secretive and out of the lime light. If that has been discussed between them, then that’s just it… there is no rule that letting the world know really makes it OFFICIAL.

I think that since they became popular, social networking sites have definitely caused problems in peoples relationships because most of the time people ALLOW them to. If you read too much into the #ineedagirlwho trending topic your man is tweeting about on Twitter, or you see a comment saying “Hey hun how are you” from a male on your girl’s wall on Facebook and flip out – you are allowing unnecessary things to cause problems in your relationship. As I mentioned in one of my earlier blogs, “The Title is for the Public” – if you are only basing your love and affection from your partner based on his mentions towards you on Twitter or comments on your wall, you should probably reevaluate your relationship, because it sounds like all you are worried about is what the public is seeing of you all.

Ultimately, it comes down to how both of you all feel. If you all are both okay with putting that you are in a relationship on Twitter or following and tweeting each other on Twitter… then that most likely means it hasn’t caused a problem yet and shouldn’t. Just like anything else, the problem can be as big or small as you make it… Social networking is supposed to be fun, if used the right way… so don’t allow it to be anything more than what it was intended for in your relationship either.

Be His Girlfriend, Not His Mom

This morning on the way into work, I received a text from my friend telling me my next blog topic was being talked about on a radio show. I turned and listened, trying to pick up the conversation and see what they were talking about. I heard female callers, calling in talking about how they take care of their man too much and some saying they liked taking care of their man because they like to be in control. In essence, the question of the day was – how much is TOO much, in terms of taking care of your man?

Some of the women calling in were mentioning that they enjoyed taking care of their man because it let them be in control of things. Other women complained that it was a love/hate thing: they loved taking care of their man, but hated having to do everything. The men mostly had a different opinion that no man should be taken care of by any woman, no matter what. Now, when they say “take care of”, I got out of it that they meant – doing everything for their man, from buying him things, cooking, cleaning, reminding him things, to wiping his ass (just kidding, but I’m sure there are women who almost wish they could, just because it allows them to control the situation and know what’s going on smh).

I think there is a thin line between A. taking care of your man in the sense of being his partner and working WITH him and B. the extreme of playing mother to him to the point where you end up babying him. It’s okay to show love to and appreciate him, in terms of showing support for what he enjoys, compromising and even sometimes knowing when to be submissive. If you are constantly following behind him and his every move, picking up after him, double checking to make sure he's done things... that's ridiculous.

Personally, I was raised in a way and am attracted to a “manly man”. So, while I don’t have a problem doing stuff myself, I still believe that men should be the fixer uppers of the house and women should cook and take care of certain other things. This is not to say that women can’t take the trash out or come home one day to a home cooked meal from their man or when she cooks, he can’t help out by washing the dishes, helping to do laundry, change the kids diapers, etc. I just believe in the traditional household, so I don’t think women should play into the whole overly “independent woman” cop-out. A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP – each person puts in their part and sometimes the woman will NEED the man, just like other times the man will NEED the woman.

If you have to constantly be in control of what your man or woman is doing, you might want to reconsider a relationship right now because that is not how it works. No one should be with someone who LETS them pay for everything or allows them to take on all of the responsibilities of the relationship. How long do you think that will actually work? There is no way that anyone you are considering for a long term partner should allow everything to fall into your lap. Every man was born from the womb of ONE woman -- their mother and unless you are her, there are some things you just should not have to do for him. It becomes easy for him to become used to something if it's something you started out doing from the beginning. Cater to your man, HELP him if he needs it, support his goals – but don’t enable him as a man by doing everything for him. Each person needs to play their part in terms of responsibility and more importantly accountability. So, sorry... I just can’t respect any man that allows a woman to do EVERYTHING for him – 2010 or not.

The conTEXT of Drunk Texts

It’s Saturday night and everyone’s out partying having a great time, drinks are flowing and the dance floor is packed. The party lasts all night and you wake up the next morning wondering how you even made it home. You stumble downstairs and grab some cold water and toast and plop down on the couch to catch some of Sunday’s football games. When you check your phone you see a series of texts that you don’t even remember sending between you and your ex about how you miss her…

… Or females, how about drunk texting the guy you’re really interested in but don’t want to come off too forward to. FAIL! FAIL! FAIL!

Oh, the infamous “drunk texts”… we’ve all been there, it’s happened to the best of us. But, how should they be taken by the receiver? Do we read drunken texts (or bbms) as people say we should – “a drunk persons words are a sober man’s thoughts” OR do we just ignore them and not take them serious because they can’t man up and say it to us when they are sober anyway?

Ehh. No one wants to sit there and have to read between the lines trying to figure out if the person is serious or not. There are different types of drunk people: those that just embellish their thoughts a little when they drink, and those that become completely different people. If you are the type that sends crazy or obnoxious messages when you get drunk, maybe you should leave your phone in your purse or in the car – or erase your ex’s number so there’s no chance of it happening. If you wake up in the morning and find that you had a whole convo of drunk texting with someone and said some things you probably shouldn’t have, clear it up by letting them know you were drunk and said some things you normally wouldn’t.

If you are the receiver of constant drunken 4 am texts – set some boundaries and don’t text them back. Let the person sending the texts know that you can’t take their texts seriously and if they are really trying to get to you know, that’s definitely not the way to do it.

I personally just don’t entertain the drunk calls, texts or anything else. I do think it is about reading in between certain lines though. For instance, if the person never hits you up or says what’s on their mind when they are sober and 3 drinks in, the words and texts start pouring out – that says a lot about their communication skills and not in a good way. If someone ONLY texts you when they’re drunk at 3 and 4 am… that shows you where they are at. They aren’t looking for a dinner date, they’re looking for dessert and by entertaining them you’re letting it be known that it’s okay and acceptable to only be hit up when they have been drinking. At the end of the day, it’s all about what type of message you are trying to get across and if it only happens when drinks are flowing then most likely you are sending them the wrong message about how you want to be approached.

How Soon is "too soon" to Move On?

Recently, I was talking to someone and they made a comment about the moving on time in relationships -- suggesting that there was “too quick” of a time for someone to be dating someone new after breaking up with their last partner. So, does the relationship manual of life set a time that is okay and socially acceptable to be dating a new person after a break-up, or is it just something each person has to gauge for themselves?

For starters… I don’t think it’s okay to follow what is socially okay simply for the acceptance of society; I’m all about doing what makes YOU happy. Meaning: NO there is not a set time that you have to have between one relationship to another because it’s a made up rule. I think a lot of timing in relationships is about comfort levels and the depth that your relationship transpires at. Everyone moves at their own rate in terms of opening up to someone and getting comfortable. In some situations you and someone just click instantly so you grow together quicker. The amount of time you all spend together matters too. For example, you could meet someone and get to spend every waking moment together from the day you meet, or you could meet someone and only get to see them once a week. This slows down the process of building a consistent bond. And then other factors like what you all are both looking for at the time when you meet, past baggage, etc… play into the situation as well.

Your relationship with the last person could have been going on for 2 years but you got cheated on a year into the relationship and stayed with the person for the sake of love and “making it work”… technically your heart was out of it the moment you found out you got cheated on and you knew that soon it was naturally going to come to an end. Or let’s say you and your partner live in two different places and you all are holding on to the last thread of your long distance relationship. One of you all has started getting close to someone else (not that I condone it, but it happens) – a couple months later you break up with them finally realizing it had been over. In these situations, the time it takes to move on to someone else seems short because in all actuality your heart has been out of the first situation before you even entered the second – whether you were actually in a relationship with the person or not.

Other times, moving on happens naturally, over time and can happen quicker just depending on the timing of things. I think the important thing is just making sure you aren’t using the 2nd relationship as a rebound. Don’t jump from one thing to another for the sake of having someone around. Not okay. If you were the one who got broken up with, you should probably take a little bit more time to get over the person because it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship… so your heart is most likely still attached. If it was a bad break-up, I also say give it a little time just for the sake of understanding mistakes that were made so that they are not made again in the new relationship.

At the end of the day, if it feels right to you and your partner… do you! You two are the only people in your relationship and the only thoughts that matter when it comes down to it. Friends and outsiders are going to make comments or judge if they think you are moving too quickly but ultimately if it feels right… embrace the feeling :)

Cutting People Off: Why It’s Best for Everyone

Knowing how to properly cut someone off can be useful in various situations:

Everyone knows that when talking to (or “dating”) a bunch of different people… eventually you find one that moves up the list pretty quickly and over the others. It’s pretty inevitable that if you are dating 5 people at once, probably about 2 of them are just people that you can kick it with but don’t have much potential for more, 1 of them is pretty fun but you all don’t chill very often and haven’t gotten that close and then maybe 1 is the one that you see potential in but still wants to live the single life and you’re closer to settling down – then there’s the ONE – the one that you could definitely see longevity with, you have tons of fun with and you’re getting closer to it just being exclusive with them.

Or maybe you have the lingering ex that you just can’t get rid of and you don’t want your communication with him/her to jeopardize something you are building with the new person you’re “talking to”.

In each scenario it comes down to efficient communication. If you are serious about the new person you are dating, and you see a future with them – there is no reason to keep the old baggage around.

In the case of other people you were talking to, you and them haven’t moved forward to become something closer for a reason. Either you two aren’t as compatible or they aren’t ready for this point. You can’t force them to get there so why not stick with what is making you happy. If the new person you are dating thinks that you two are mutually moving towards something exclusive, it’s not fair to them to have all of these people lingering around. And really, most of the time other people are kept around is out of fear and safety. Fear that the new person might do something wrong or stop talking to us and safety because it feels safe to have more people to deal with rather than just one… for the “just in case”. Talk to the other people you were dating and let them know that you are working towards building something serious with someone and you can’t see them on that level anymore. You would like to remain friends but that’s the level it has to be kept at from this point forward.

If you have the ex lingering around… make sure either the new person knows about them and you alls potential to possibly get back together or… get rid of them! They are your ex for a reason and if you all have potential to get back together, in my opinion, it’s only right that the other person know what type of situation they are dealing with or have gotten themselves into. If you honestly have no intention of getting back with your ex, why keep them around? It’s not fair on both parts – to the ex: because you are letting them think there is still a chance and to the new person: because you aren’t being completely honest and OMITTING information is just as bad as lying. The same thing applies here, communicate with them and don’t allow their feelings to make you feel bad or guilty. If you all are truly over, then while they might not understand – they have no choice but to respect that you have moved on and are no longer dealing with them.

Make everyone’s lives easier (including yours) and be open and honest from day one… that way 6 months down the road when you want to actually be in a relationship with that person, no one’s feelings are hurt… or at least if they are, they can’t say you never told them!

Makes OR Breaks

Ever met a seemingly attractive person in the beginning that’s conversation was just almost perfect and then on the second date you get a better glimpse of them and there is something that just isn’t right to you? For instance, they were wearing a hat when you met them but take it off and have grey hairs; they had a head full of weave (which you thought was real) but then take it out and have no more than an inch of real hair; they were in work clothes the first time you all met and come to find out they have NO sense of style or fashion. What about someone with a great personality but does annoying things that are less physical? Like someone who constantly smacks their lips or licks their fingers when they eat, or an overly loud laugh… someone who makes stupid obnoxious jokes?

When do you make the decision on what is a MAKE and what is a BREAK – in terms of deciding whether or not to date this person?

In my opinion, it’s all about the amount of annoyance their attribute or trait causes you. If you’ve only spent time with them once, give it a second chance. See if their personality outweighs whatever it is that you “can’t stand”. If you give it say… about a month, you might actually come to find out that they have a great genuine personality that outweighs any negative. Then, after you two have gotten a little more comfortable you can suggest or hint to them something about what bothers you. If in a month’s time, you like the person so much that you forgot what was even bothering you to begin with – it clearly wasn’t even that big of a deal. Now, if you get to the 2^nd outing and that’s all you can focus on, then maybe you should make that the last date. Just time it and see where it takes you. There are a few times something has bothered me, either I’ve spoken up or let it slide and 3…4 months down the road it didn’t matter anymore or it was fixed. Either way, you might be missing out on a good thing by just letting the person go off of something so small so don't make everything so black and white. Take the time to figure out if it's something you can live with or not and then make a decision!

Women Take Responsibility!

Question of the year: Why is it that I constantly hear women running around screaming about how “n*ggas aint shit” and bashing their exes and babies fathers – but never taking any responsibility for choosing that man to be with or father their child?

Now there is a complete difference between:

A. Being with a good man and him just playing you to the left and... 

B. You KNOWING he wasn’t about anything before you got with him and thinking you had the ability to change him and getting mad 6 months or a year later when he cheats on you or you end up pregnant with his child and he leaves the situation. To those that thought they actually had a good man & then later found out that wasn’t the case… this doesn’t necessarily apply to you. To the man bashers… keep reading…

I just think that it is simply unfair and completely wrong for us (as females) to sit around and talk about what the man we are or were dealing with is doing or did and just let it be what it is. Relationships are politics, except you have the one and only vote. If you don’t like how the Mayor, Governor or President is running things in your community or country – you voice your opinion by voting. Same rule applies in a relationship; you have the right to voice your rights and if you don’t like what you’re seeing – impeach him!

There is absolutely no excuse for any woman to be sitting around bashing a man for something he did to her, yet showing him that she is accepting it by taking no action. Where is your responsibility in everything? Or would you rather play the dumb damsel in distress? When you meet a man… in the club, grocery store, church… wherever, from that moment on you are playing 50% in what you allow to happen to you.

Oh and I’m not sure what makes ANY woman think [excuse my French] that her p*ssy is just SO good that it can turn a man from a dog to a gentleman. If he was a dog before you met him and you knew that, if he was a dog to you when you met him and you accepted it… you have no right to complain when you let him become your man and he cheats or your baby’s father and he’s a dead beat.  

Seriously… want better for yourself…

As females, we need to take more responsibility and more time and patience when choosing the man we want to be OUR man. This is why becoming friends FIRST is imperative. Build a strong foundation and be patient when learning about each other. Never think that you will be that “special one” to change this man into what you want him to be. The last girl couldn’t do it, and most likely you won’t be the one to either. Get out of the fantasy world and stop adding to the fatherless generations of children produced day in and day out. I’m just so sick of women pointing all the fingers at men when that was the man you CHOSE to lay down and make that child with. Having a baby by him is not going to keep him around, keep him from cheating, or keep him in the house. If he is a good man, he will be a good man regardless but if you’ve seen the “dog” signs in him… please let him go. By keeping him around all you are doing is adding to the problem. 

Don't Be Shallow Hal

Why some females prefer a "less attractive" man...

Have you ever been out and seen a beautiful female trouncing down the sidewalk holding the hand of a not so attractive guy and wonder… what the hell are those 2 doing together? It happens everyday, and people constantly complain about seeing it. But, why?

I frequently (usually half-jokingly) mention that I have a love and attraction for “ugly men”. Last night I tweeted saying that I am not a shallow person and this is proven by my attraction to less attractive males. Now, to clarify before I get into my opinion on them, I don’t go out in the world searching for a mediocre man. Nor do I purposely date “below” myself to make myself feel better or to raise my esteem. Anyone that knows me knows I have more confidence than a little bit.

A lot of females actually agreed with my opinion and all of the males of course were enthralled with why I felt the way I did. My reasoning behind my comment though is that I’ve been approached by/ gotten to know/dated a pretty wide spectrum of guys with different looks. And I’ve definitely found that no, while not ALL really sexy guys lack in personality, about 75% of them are full of themselves and just not my type. I’ve found that the more mediocre men do seem to have overall better qualities, treat females better and are WAY more humble. Someone asked me how do the “ugly” guys know that they are ugly and do I tell them. Of course not! It’s not necessary. I guess, I shouldn’t actually categorize them as “ugly” because obviously I find many things about them attractive. But to mainstream society I guess they would be “decent” or “mediocre”. In reality, people’s attractiveness and unattractiveness comes down to personality and attitude. There are plenty of females I know that tons of guys will have sex with but no one will date because while they might be a 10 on the outside, their personality is UGLY. They have attitudes, drama and because of their looks think they are God’s gift to everyone. Guys are no different. Many of the really attractive guys I meet are great on the surface, and definitely yummy eye candy. But, once you get down to it, they know they look good and because so many females have jumped hoops and bent over backwards every which way for them, they seem to think everyone is going to do the same. NEGATIVE. They just got marked down 3 points. So as far as I’m concerned, while they might appear to be 10’s – they too are just 6’s or 7’s.

I also think that while a less attractive man might have less to lose and might get less quantity of females – their odds are higher at getting a better QUALITY female. This is because woman like myself will date/give a man a chance who may be a 6 or 7 look wise, but makes up for it in a multitude of areas: they have a great personality, they are more caring, appreciate more, have eclectic style, etc. In the end it’s all about remaining HUMBLE. If you look good, and clearly you KNOW you look good and everyone around can SEE you look good – do you really have to walk around letting everyone know?

Don’t get my words mixed up now – I’m not saying that when a good man that is very attractive comes along I discount him simply because I think he will be a jerk, that’s not the case. It just helps to have an even balance. And if a less attractive man with a wonderful personality comes along, I would take him over the conceited stank attitude man, ANY day. I will end the same way I ended the convo last night: “For the record, I don’t actually go after unattractive men. It’s just usually how my attraction works out. And for the record -- I’m not sure why all of you guys are automatically categorizing yourselves as attractive. Be careful, you might fit in the “ugly” category too!” *wink*

Seasons of Love ♥

Lately I’ve been seeing (and hearing) a lot of talk about “bunnin season” – which essentially means when the winter season approaches and people start deciding they want to be cuddled up with someone in the house and spend time with one person on a consistent basis. Whereas, during spring/the coming of summer and warm weather it’s time to drop that “main boo” and talk to whoever/date around. I know that for the most part it’s all in jokes and fun but some people really do this and feel like it is unacceptable to be consistent based on the change of a season. But in reality… if you have serious feelings for someone, real love and/or feelings don’t change when the seasons change.

Yesterday I was reading an article on Necole Bitchie’s blog, by Dr. J (who has written multiple articles on her site on the topic of Love and Relationships) entitled “When is the right time to say I Love You” – so one of his comments from the article was:

“Me personally, I believe you should at LEAST wait two seasons.  (There’s tons of research and analysis done on the power of the seasons and their relation to relationships.)  If we meet in the Spring, I don’t expect to hear you love me until Thanksgiving.”

Hmm. The verdict is still out on how many people agree with this. But, I’m going to break down my opinion on love and timing. When it comes to feelings and love, I believe it’s all about FEELING, not necessarily timing. When I say “feeling” I mean in terms of how YOU feel about the other person, how THEY feel about you and how you all feel about YOUR relationship. There are some people that consider themselves in a relationship with someone they have been with for a year but haven’t seen but once a month for that year. Others have been with someone for 3 months but have spent every waking moment with that person for the past 3 months. In either relationship, someone could consider the feeling of love towards the other person. I think the problem is too many people try to play the “timing game” and think about relationships and love in terms of how long they’ve known the person and when is “the right time” for certain things. Love doesn’t automatically show up in 3 months or a year… it shows up when the feelings appear. When things get too technical like that, that’s when it becomes unnatural and you step in the way of your feelings. Whether you like a person or not, the feelings are clear, even when it comes to friends and enemies. And I believe that when you have strong feelings for someone it’s inevitable, try fighting it all you want. Now everyone has different definitions of love. Me, I don’t try to define it because I think that it honestly can’t be explained. It’s just something you know. Based on your communication with that person, you alls interactions, the way you FEEL when they are around you… etc.

I also do not believe that it takes at least 2 seasons to love someone. Not saying that you shouldn’t wait a while to MAKE SURE it’s love and not lust… that definitely is important but I just don’t think you should limit it by saying, “Oh well, we’ve only been dating for 4 months, so I can’t say it yet.” I believe it should be based on the situations you all go through, the reactions to those situations and the relationship you all have built together and the way it feels. Go with instinct, if you don’t think it’s love… it’s probably not. Now this whole “bunnin season” thing… LOL is all I can say if you truly do that. Be consistent year round, not just when winter hits.

The Title is for the Public

At what age are we too old to run around and referring to someone as “my boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? – When does it become a straightforward, mutual agreement between two grown people that you all are simply in an exclusive relationship? I don’t have the answer to this, mainly because I don’t believe there is one specific answer. To each their own because to some people, their love and relationship is only validated by a title. In my opinion, this is what justifies my reasoning for saying “titles are for the public”.

If you and another person are perfectly comfortable with yourselves and each other, know what you both want and are willing to accept, and have a clear understanding about your relationship, you enjoy each other’s company and it’s as simple as that, there is no title needed to stamp the feelings. People get so wrapped up in the IDEA of having love and a relationship and get in competition with their friend’s relationships and those that they see in society – they start to lose track of the simplicity of things. “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard” (Lauryn Hill) – true statement.

I’ve played both sides. I’ve been the girl that felt that the only way I would be satisfied was if he was my BOYFRIEND and I was his GIRLFRIEND. Shame on me. I soon came to a realization that in the end, all that matters is him and I. Simple equation.

In some cases, when someone is just “talking to” someone, it’s not enough for them. They lay on the pressure for a title, “I need to be your girlfriend” – or the ultimatum “If I can’t be your girlfriend, we need to stop talking, it’s not fair”. Why is this? Multiple reasons:

- Validation for the outside world, i.e. friends

- Validation for themselves “If he becomes my man, there’s less of a chance of him cheating on me” O_o

- Validation for actions – once I’m his girl, he will change

These are all flawed. Notice many of the friends asking why you two aren’t together, and giving you all the “relationship” advice to pressure him to be with you aren’t even in relationships themselves (or are constantly in and out of them)!!! If open and honest communication exists between you all and you are on the same page, there is no reason you need a label to make it the “real” thing. Feelings are feelings; they do not change with a title. If a man (or woman for that matter) is going to cheat or mess around on you – guess what, a title isn’t holding them back. Actions are no different, if they are a liar, a cheater; they go out too much, disrespect you, etc. Sorry, but a title is NOT changing this. People do what they want to and if they are truly in it and their feelings are genuine, they will do the right thing, title or not.

Knowing Your Role: Are you the side dish or the 5 course meal?

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t know what their role is, OR if they do know their role, they don’t know how to play it. When I say “role” – I’m speaking in terms of a male to female relationship, and in this post I’m applying this particularly to females. Not knowing or playing your role can cause so many issues and confusion in any type of relationship with someone. Whether you are supposed to be just his friend (& when I say friend, I REALLY mean friend, none of the benefits included), a friend WITH benefits (i.e. just a piece of ass, a side joint), a main joint or the girlfriend.

Breakdown:

The Drink – Just the friend. Someone you always have to have around, you always need, is apart of every meal but is kept right there, nothing more, nothing less. People tend to use this word WAY too loosely and get it mixed up with other definitions. In this case ladies, if you are truly his friend, there are no feelings involved, no sex, no messing around, no dating, etc. Now some people like to argue that there is no such thing as a male/female friendship. I beg to differ. But, I do know that in many cases if a female has a male friend most likely either they USED to talk or date or s/he WANTS to be dating. In some cases though, it is strictly platonic.

The Snack – Always quick to grab whenever you want it off the late night, it’s tempting, and fulfills your desire for something but she comes and goes. Ahhh. The friend with benefits, typically the role with the hardest defining line. This is usually because it starts out at strictly sexually based. Everything is cool and both parties are okay with it being just about sex and that’s it. Then one day… BAM… Feelings appear. Damn those feelings! Typically caught by the female, everything slowly starts to get a little weird. She wants more… more texts, more phone calls, more effort, more time. Wait? Wasn’t this just STRICLY about sex two months ago? Wasn’t she just saying she didn’t want a relationship and everything was cool? Now all of the sudden this chic wants a date? She wants to meet the friends and family? WHOA. Now, it’s important for both parties here to be clear from the start. Fellas, if you want a girl to STRICTLY be a friend with benefits, I suggest not bringing her around family, friends, no dates, none of the cute things for no reason, if she’s buying you things you miiiiight not want to accept them – because some females just don’t understand and when you start throwing in things that can be confused as “he likes me” actions that’s when you create a problem for yourself. Ladies, if you care about your feelings and them being hurt, please read between the lines. If he wanted to be doing things for you and with you, he would and you wouldn’t have to force it. End of story.

The Side Dish – The Side Joint. Something to add on the side to the main dish, there could be a couple of these, they add a little something extra that maybe the main course just doesn’t provide. If you are the side joint, you are just someone to have around. This is the girl that’s probably cool to hang out with, good convo, good sex, whatever. There is a slight chance she could end up being more one day, but most likely not. She can act up if she wants to, but she’s easily replaceable and at the end of the day, you can take or leave her because there is always the main dish or the 5 course meal.

The Main Dish – The Main Joint. Provides the substance usually the heartiest, and more complex dish on your menu. This dish satisfies the meal. This is the one you spend a majority of your time with. She’s always down for you, always around when you need her, helps fulfill what you need but there might just be that ONE thing that makes you not want to make her anything more. Or maybe it’s just the timing but it’s been communicated that she’s definitely more than just a side dish and she understands. Either way, she probably sticks around for a while.

The 5 Course Meal – This is the girlfriend. A meal like this is something you can’t always indulge in because it’s hard to come by a good one of these, but when you do get one it’s everything and more. This meal keeps you full and wanting nothing else. She’s got all the courses – including the drink because she’s your friend too. If at any point you THINK you are the girlfriend, chances are you are wrong. This is something that has been communicated to you and if you’ve never met the friends or family and he never takes you out, but he tells you you’re the girlfriend – he’s lying, you’re probably just the side dish babe!

Why it’s important to know your role: For one, if you don’t… you end up looking stupid and pathetic. While you’re running around telling everyone that you talk to or date this guy, he’s telling all his boys about how he can conveniently hit you up off the late night and how you’ll drop everything and run to him. Two, your feelings end up hurt. If you told him from jump it’s strictly about sex, let it be what it is. Trying to force things that just AREN’T is where people mess up and end up loosing a possible friend. And three, it just keeps everything so much more simple. Don’t get it twisted, this is not just a thing females do, males let it happen to. Ultimately it’s about communication. Draw the line and don’t step over it. If you know AND play your role – you’ll be so much better off, trust me.

Dish of the day – Men, Women & Change.

“Women marry women hoping to change them; Men marry women hoping they’ll never change”

So this post is dedicated to my parent’s 24^th anniversary yesterday. 24 years of being with ONE person… definitely a beautiful thing. Hence the reason I believe in marriage, don’t believe in divorce and advocate for waiting until marriage for children. Watching their marriage has definitely had a positive impact on my life and taught me a lot of interesting things. The quotation at the top is something my mom constantly told me as a girl growing up and I never really understood the meaning until looking at the female/male dynamics and motives when in a relationship, analyzing some of my own actions as well and breaking down some of the reasons that quotation might or might not actually be the case.

I think as a woman we have a tendency to overanalyze things and think that we can control a lot more than we can. In terms of relationships, it becomes hard sometimes to determine the dividing line between telling a man something about himself in a way that is seen as helpful and would help him grow versus nagging about stuff he does and trying to critique his “flaws” in hopes of bringing about a change in them and in him overall. I can’t speak for all women, but I know there are the types that meet a sub par man and think to themselves “Now, if I could just change this, this and that… he would be perfect”… WRONG! Especially at the age we are now, there is certainly room for growth but no man is going to change and mold himself to be whatever it is that woman wants him to be. Change takes a person seeing something negative in them, accepting it, and working towards making it better. It’s best to give your opinion and let him acknowledge it himself and if you don’t see the results you want or he doesn’t agree… leave it alone or walk away if it’s going to be that much of an issue.

When it comes to men never wanting to see their woman or wife change, I completely agree. I think (and see) a lot of women that get in relationships, get comfortable because they have their man and he loves them and BAM completely let go of everything she was doing when she met him – this includes activities, friends, appearance, motivation, etc. Just sad. I’m not quite sure what makes a woman think that her man wants her sitting up under him all day, but disclaimer ladies: it’s unattractive! If you had a job, you were involved doing a bunch of outside activities, you hung out with your girlfriends frequently and you kept your hair and nails done to attract that man, keep it up. Yes, he should love you for you, but at the end of the day men are physical people and if he truly loves you, he wants you to remain true to you first – he will be there.

From watching my parent’s marriage, I’ve learned these 10 things (& more) --

1. It has its ups and downs but it is unconditional and forever.
2. Communication, communication, communication.
3. Get to know each other for as long as possible before getting married, there is no rush.
4. A successful marriage takes sacrifices on BOTH sides.
5. Forgiving is SO important and vital.
6. Keeping God first is what keeps things together and gets you through the storms.
7. Remain true to yourself.
8. Sometimes a little time apart goes a long way.
9. Trying new things together keeps it interesting and fresh.
10. Never forget the reasons you got married in the first place.

Dedicated to my parents. Happy 24^th! I love you both sooo much ♥

Todays serving: Reality -- Maybe it's YOU.

All surface and no substance...

I always hear friends of mine complaining about not being able to meet the “right” mate. Male and female… it seems to be a never ending story that gets old pretty quickly. From the typical reasons like no job, no car, not enough money, no goals, children, I personally just can not and will not believe that out of ALL of the men and women in the world, and particularly in the DMV area, there are no good ones available. Now I’m not one to advocate for lowing one’s standards simply to have someone to claim. However, if I’m repeatedly hearing the story “there are no good men/women” or “all men or women are the same” – soon I’m going to begin to actually question the character of the person who is saying this. My motto is “be what you want to attract”, so if you’re attracting all of these not up to par people, maybe you need to make some changes to yourself, step your game up a little and then try again.

Maybe it’s where you’re going to meet them? I did a twitter poll a while ago asking “Where is the “right” place to meet an acceptable female worth dating?” – Most males opinion was definitely not the club, try the library or the grocery store or a gathering. The reasons behind not the club were that most of those ladies partying in the club 5 out of 7 days a week are ones that do it as their lifestyle, so they are constantly looking to meet new men (some females agreed). My opinion on that is, maybe you meet a female in the club and she’s there specifically for a friend’s birthday, but normally she doesn’t frequent the club, why would you not consider her just because she happens to be partying that one night? Say you meet a female in the library or maybe at church, sorry, but just because she’s studious or appears to be Christian-like doesn’t mean she wasn’t in the club the night before or is even a good catch at all, don’t be fooled.

It could be how you approach them. Or possibly ladies maybe it’s because you are still in the “I want a bad boy or thug” mentality. We aren’t 15 and 16 anymore and that whole bad boy image is no longer cool. You can’t say you aren’t finding the right one but all you’re dating is the same type of guy over and over. Switch it up – all men aren’t the same. Stop complaining about not finding substance when you are ONLY surface. You can be attractive all you want but when it comes down to it and you two are sitting down to talk – any good male or female is going to want someone who is well rounded and can talk about something more than gossip and sports. Can you hold a conversation? Come up with different date ideas? What are you working towards that would intrigue someone to want to date you? Switch some things you do up. Try some new scenes and definitely look at your “make or break list” and see if there are a few things that you expect but you don’t even have. How can you want to sit at a table to eat but you brought nothing to share? Have standards and expectations but don’t make them unreachable.

Moral of the story: if you limit certain things or have this unrealistic list of expectations and you aren’t bringing anything to the table, you could possibly be missing out on a good man/woman. Keep your options open, take some time out for introspection and know yourself first. If you are the constant complainer about never finding a good man or woman out here, just consider… maybe it’s you?

You might have had similar flavor before but try a new dish, you'd be surprised ;)