Be His Girlfriend, Not His Mom

This morning on the way into work, I received a text from my friend telling me my next blog topic was being talked about on a radio show. I turned and listened, trying to pick up the conversation and see what they were talking about. I heard female callers, calling in talking about how they take care of their man too much and some saying they liked taking care of their man because they like to be in control. In essence, the question of the day was – how much is TOO much, in terms of taking care of your man?

Some of the women calling in were mentioning that they enjoyed taking care of their man because it let them be in control of things. Other women complained that it was a love/hate thing: they loved taking care of their man, but hated having to do everything. The men mostly had a different opinion that no man should be taken care of by any woman, no matter what. Now, when they say “take care of”, I got out of it that they meant – doing everything for their man, from buying him things, cooking, cleaning, reminding him things, to wiping his ass (just kidding, but I’m sure there are women who almost wish they could, just because it allows them to control the situation and know what’s going on smh).

I think there is a thin line between A. taking care of your man in the sense of being his partner and working WITH him and B. the extreme of playing mother to him to the point where you end up babying him. It’s okay to show love to and appreciate him, in terms of showing support for what he enjoys, compromising and even sometimes knowing when to be submissive. If you are constantly following behind him and his every move, picking up after him, double checking to make sure he's done things... that's ridiculous.

Personally, I was raised in a way and am attracted to a “manly man”. So, while I don’t have a problem doing stuff myself, I still believe that men should be the fixer uppers of the house and women should cook and take care of certain other things. This is not to say that women can’t take the trash out or come home one day to a home cooked meal from their man or when she cooks, he can’t help out by washing the dishes, helping to do laundry, change the kids diapers, etc. I just believe in the traditional household, so I don’t think women should play into the whole overly “independent woman” cop-out. A relationship is a PARTNERSHIP – each person puts in their part and sometimes the woman will NEED the man, just like other times the man will NEED the woman.

If you have to constantly be in control of what your man or woman is doing, you might want to reconsider a relationship right now because that is not how it works. No one should be with someone who LETS them pay for everything or allows them to take on all of the responsibilities of the relationship. How long do you think that will actually work? There is no way that anyone you are considering for a long term partner should allow everything to fall into your lap. Every man was born from the womb of ONE woman -- their mother and unless you are her, there are some things you just should not have to do for him. It becomes easy for him to become used to something if it's something you started out doing from the beginning. Cater to your man, HELP him if he needs it, support his goals – but don’t enable him as a man by doing everything for him. Each person needs to play their part in terms of responsibility and more importantly accountability. So, sorry... I just can’t respect any man that allows a woman to do EVERYTHING for him – 2010 or not.

The Title is for the Public

At what age are we too old to run around and referring to someone as “my boyfriend” or “girlfriend”? – When does it become a straightforward, mutual agreement between two grown people that you all are simply in an exclusive relationship? I don’t have the answer to this, mainly because I don’t believe there is one specific answer. To each their own because to some people, their love and relationship is only validated by a title. In my opinion, this is what justifies my reasoning for saying “titles are for the public”.

If you and another person are perfectly comfortable with yourselves and each other, know what you both want and are willing to accept, and have a clear understanding about your relationship, you enjoy each other’s company and it’s as simple as that, there is no title needed to stamp the feelings. People get so wrapped up in the IDEA of having love and a relationship and get in competition with their friend’s relationships and those that they see in society – they start to lose track of the simplicity of things. “It could all be so simple, but you’d rather make it hard” (Lauryn Hill) – true statement.

I’ve played both sides. I’ve been the girl that felt that the only way I would be satisfied was if he was my BOYFRIEND and I was his GIRLFRIEND. Shame on me. I soon came to a realization that in the end, all that matters is him and I. Simple equation.

In some cases, when someone is just “talking to” someone, it’s not enough for them. They lay on the pressure for a title, “I need to be your girlfriend” – or the ultimatum “If I can’t be your girlfriend, we need to stop talking, it’s not fair”. Why is this? Multiple reasons:

- Validation for the outside world, i.e. friends

- Validation for themselves “If he becomes my man, there’s less of a chance of him cheating on me” O_o

- Validation for actions – once I’m his girl, he will change

These are all flawed. Notice many of the friends asking why you two aren’t together, and giving you all the “relationship” advice to pressure him to be with you aren’t even in relationships themselves (or are constantly in and out of them)!!! If open and honest communication exists between you all and you are on the same page, there is no reason you need a label to make it the “real” thing. Feelings are feelings; they do not change with a title. If a man (or woman for that matter) is going to cheat or mess around on you – guess what, a title isn’t holding them back. Actions are no different, if they are a liar, a cheater; they go out too much, disrespect you, etc. Sorry, but a title is NOT changing this. People do what they want to and if they are truly in it and their feelings are genuine, they will do the right thing, title or not.

Knowing Your Role: Are you the side dish or the 5 course meal?

I’ve come to the conclusion that some people just don’t know what their role is, OR if they do know their role, they don’t know how to play it. When I say “role” – I’m speaking in terms of a male to female relationship, and in this post I’m applying this particularly to females. Not knowing or playing your role can cause so many issues and confusion in any type of relationship with someone. Whether you are supposed to be just his friend (& when I say friend, I REALLY mean friend, none of the benefits included), a friend WITH benefits (i.e. just a piece of ass, a side joint), a main joint or the girlfriend.

Breakdown:

The Drink – Just the friend. Someone you always have to have around, you always need, is apart of every meal but is kept right there, nothing more, nothing less. People tend to use this word WAY too loosely and get it mixed up with other definitions. In this case ladies, if you are truly his friend, there are no feelings involved, no sex, no messing around, no dating, etc. Now some people like to argue that there is no such thing as a male/female friendship. I beg to differ. But, I do know that in many cases if a female has a male friend most likely either they USED to talk or date or s/he WANTS to be dating. In some cases though, it is strictly platonic.

The Snack – Always quick to grab whenever you want it off the late night, it’s tempting, and fulfills your desire for something but she comes and goes. Ahhh. The friend with benefits, typically the role with the hardest defining line. This is usually because it starts out at strictly sexually based. Everything is cool and both parties are okay with it being just about sex and that’s it. Then one day… BAM… Feelings appear. Damn those feelings! Typically caught by the female, everything slowly starts to get a little weird. She wants more… more texts, more phone calls, more effort, more time. Wait? Wasn’t this just STRICLY about sex two months ago? Wasn’t she just saying she didn’t want a relationship and everything was cool? Now all of the sudden this chic wants a date? She wants to meet the friends and family? WHOA. Now, it’s important for both parties here to be clear from the start. Fellas, if you want a girl to STRICTLY be a friend with benefits, I suggest not bringing her around family, friends, no dates, none of the cute things for no reason, if she’s buying you things you miiiiight not want to accept them – because some females just don’t understand and when you start throwing in things that can be confused as “he likes me” actions that’s when you create a problem for yourself. Ladies, if you care about your feelings and them being hurt, please read between the lines. If he wanted to be doing things for you and with you, he would and you wouldn’t have to force it. End of story.

The Side Dish – The Side Joint. Something to add on the side to the main dish, there could be a couple of these, they add a little something extra that maybe the main course just doesn’t provide. If you are the side joint, you are just someone to have around. This is the girl that’s probably cool to hang out with, good convo, good sex, whatever. There is a slight chance she could end up being more one day, but most likely not. She can act up if she wants to, but she’s easily replaceable and at the end of the day, you can take or leave her because there is always the main dish or the 5 course meal.

The Main Dish – The Main Joint. Provides the substance usually the heartiest, and more complex dish on your menu. This dish satisfies the meal. This is the one you spend a majority of your time with. She’s always down for you, always around when you need her, helps fulfill what you need but there might just be that ONE thing that makes you not want to make her anything more. Or maybe it’s just the timing but it’s been communicated that she’s definitely more than just a side dish and she understands. Either way, she probably sticks around for a while.

The 5 Course Meal – This is the girlfriend. A meal like this is something you can’t always indulge in because it’s hard to come by a good one of these, but when you do get one it’s everything and more. This meal keeps you full and wanting nothing else. She’s got all the courses – including the drink because she’s your friend too. If at any point you THINK you are the girlfriend, chances are you are wrong. This is something that has been communicated to you and if you’ve never met the friends or family and he never takes you out, but he tells you you’re the girlfriend – he’s lying, you’re probably just the side dish babe!

Why it’s important to know your role: For one, if you don’t… you end up looking stupid and pathetic. While you’re running around telling everyone that you talk to or date this guy, he’s telling all his boys about how he can conveniently hit you up off the late night and how you’ll drop everything and run to him. Two, your feelings end up hurt. If you told him from jump it’s strictly about sex, let it be what it is. Trying to force things that just AREN’T is where people mess up and end up loosing a possible friend. And three, it just keeps everything so much more simple. Don’t get it twisted, this is not just a thing females do, males let it happen to. Ultimately it’s about communication. Draw the line and don’t step over it. If you know AND play your role – you’ll be so much better off, trust me.