A Simple Thank You.


thank you for jumping into my world. read. share. live mindfully. laugh often. seek balance. choose happiness. love life. -- XOX ♥ msamarse

10.29.2010

How Soon is "too soon" to Move On?

Recently, I was talking to someone and they made a comment about the moving on time in relationships -- suggesting that there was “too quick” of a time for someone to be dating someone new after breaking up with their last partner. So, does the relationship manual of life set a time that is okay and socially acceptable to be dating a new person after a break-up, or is it just something each person has to gauge for themselves?

For starters… I don’t think it’s okay to follow what is socially okay simply for the acceptance of society; I’m all about doing what makes YOU happy. Meaning: NO there is not a set time that you have to have between one relationship to another because it’s a made up rule. I think a lot of timing in relationships is about comfort levels and the depth that your relationship transpires at. Everyone moves at their own rate in terms of opening up to someone and getting comfortable. In some situations you and someone just click instantly so you grow together quicker. The amount of time you all spend together matters too. For example, you could meet someone and get to spend every waking moment together from the day you meet, or you could meet someone and only get to see them once a week. This slows down the process of building a consistent bond. And then other factors like what you all are both looking for at the time when you meet, past baggage, etc… play into the situation as well.

Your relationship with the last person could have been going on for 2 years but you got cheated on a year into the relationship and stayed with the person for the sake of love and “making it work”… technically your heart was out of it the moment you found out you got cheated on and you knew that soon it was naturally going to come to an end. Or let’s say you and your partner live in two different places and you all are holding on to the last thread of your long distance relationship. One of you all has started getting close to someone else (not that I condone it, but it happens) – a couple months later you break up with them finally realizing it had been over. In these situations, the time it takes to move on to someone else seems short because in all actuality your heart has been out of the first situation before you even entered the second – whether you were actually in a relationship with the person or not.

Other times, moving on happens naturally, over time and can happen quicker just depending on the timing of things. I think the important thing is just making sure you aren’t using the 2nd relationship as a rebound. Don’t jump from one thing to another for the sake of having someone around. Not okay. If you were the one who got broken up with, you should probably take a little bit more time to get over the person because it wasn’t your decision to end the relationship… so your heart is most likely still attached. If it was a bad break-up, I also say give it a little time just for the sake of understanding mistakes that were made so that they are not made again in the new relationship.

At the end of the day, if it feels right to you and your partner… do you! You two are the only people in your relationship and the only thoughts that matter when it comes down to it. Friends and outsiders are going to make comments or judge if they think you are moving too quickly but ultimately if it feels right… embrace the feeling :)

10.18.2010

Cutting People Off: Why It’s Best for Everyone

Knowing how to properly cut someone off can be useful in various situations:

Everyone knows that when talking to (or “dating”) a bunch of different people… eventually you find one that moves up the list pretty quickly and over the others. It’s pretty inevitable that if you are dating 5 people at once, probably about 2 of them are just people that you can kick it with but don’t have much potential for more, 1 of them is pretty fun but you all don’t chill very often and haven’t gotten that close and then maybe 1 is the one that you see potential in but still wants to live the single life and you’re closer to settling down – then there’s the ONE – the one that you could definitely see longevity with, you have tons of fun with and you’re getting closer to it just being exclusive with them.

Or maybe you have the lingering ex that you just can’t get rid of and you don’t want your communication with him/her to jeopardize something you are building with the new person you’re “talking to”.

In each scenario it comes down to efficient communication. If you are serious about the new person you are dating, and you see a future with them – there is no reason to keep the old baggage around.

In the case of other people you were talking to, you and them haven’t moved forward to become something closer for a reason. Either you two aren’t as compatible or they aren’t ready for this point. You can’t force them to get there so why not stick with what is making you happy. If the new person you are dating thinks that you two are mutually moving towards something exclusive, it’s not fair to them to have all of these people lingering around. And really, most of the time other people are kept around is out of fear and safety. Fear that the new person might do something wrong or stop talking to us and safety because it feels safe to have more people to deal with rather than just one… for the “just in case”. Talk to the other people you were dating and let them know that you are working towards building something serious with someone and you can’t see them on that level anymore. You would like to remain friends but that’s the level it has to be kept at from this point forward.

If you have the ex lingering around… make sure either the new person knows about them and you alls potential to possibly get back together or… get rid of them! They are your ex for a reason and if you all have potential to get back together, in my opinion, it’s only right that the other person know what type of situation they are dealing with or have gotten themselves into. If you honestly have no intention of getting back with your ex, why keep them around? It’s not fair on both parts – to the ex: because you are letting them think there is still a chance and to the new person: because you aren’t being completely honest and OMITTING information is just as bad as lying. The same thing applies here, communicate with them and don’t allow their feelings to make you feel bad or guilty. If you all are truly over, then while they might not understand – they have no choice but to respect that you have moved on and are no longer dealing with them.

Make everyone’s lives easier (including yours) and be open and honest from day one… that way 6 months down the road when you want to actually be in a relationship with that person, no one’s feelings are hurt… or at least if they are, they can’t say you never told them!

10.13.2010

Makes OR Breaks

Ever met a seemingly attractive person in the beginning that’s conversation was just almost perfect and then on the second date you get a better glimpse of them and there is something that just isn’t right to you? For instance, they were wearing a hat when you met them but take it off and have grey hairs; they had a head full of weave (which you thought was real) but then take it out and have no more than an inch of real hair; they were in work clothes the first time you all met and come to find out they have NO sense of style or fashion. What about someone with a great personality but does annoying things that are less physical? Like someone who constantly smacks their lips or licks their fingers when they eat, or an overly loud laugh… someone who makes stupid obnoxious jokes?

When do you make the decision on what is a MAKE and what is a BREAK – in terms of deciding whether or not to date this person?

In my opinion, it’s all about the amount of annoyance their attribute or trait causes you. If you’ve only spent time with them once, give it a second chance. See if their personality outweighs whatever it is that you “can’t stand”. If you give it say… about a month, you might actually come to find out that they have a great genuine personality that outweighs any negative. Then, after you two have gotten a little more comfortable you can suggest or hint to them something about what bothers you. If in a month’s time, you like the person so much that you forgot what was even bothering you to begin with – it clearly wasn’t even that big of a deal. Now, if you get to the 2nd outing and that’s all you can focus on, then maybe you should make that the last date. Just time it and see where it takes you. There are a few times something has bothered me, either I’ve spoken up or let it slide and 3…4 months down the road it didn’t matter anymore or it was fixed. Either way, you might be missing out on a good thing by just letting the person go off of something so small so don't make everything so black and white. Take the time to figure out if it's something you can live with or not and then make a decision!

10.12.2010

Women Take Responsibility!

Question of the year: Why is it that I constantly hear women running around screaming about how “n*ggas aint shit” and bashing their exes and babies fathers – but never taking any responsibility for choosing that man to be with or father their child?

Now there is a complete difference between:

A. Being with a good man and him just playing you to the left and... 
B. You KNOWING he wasn’t about anything before you got with him and thinking you had the ability to change him and getting mad 6 months or a year later when he cheats on you or you end up pregnant with his child and he leaves the situation. To those that thought they actually had a good man & then later found out that wasn’t the case… this doesn’t necessarily apply to you. To the man bashers… keep reading…

I just think that it is simply unfair and completely wrong for us (as females) to sit around and talk about what the man we are or were dealing with is doing or did and just let it be what it is. Relationships are politics, except you have the one and only vote. If you don’t like how the Mayor, Governor or President is running things in your community or country – you voice your opinion by voting. Same rule applies in a relationship; you have the right to voice your rights and if you don’t like what you’re seeing – impeach him!

There is absolutely no excuse for any woman to be sitting around bashing a man for something he did to her, yet showing him that she is accepting it by taking no action. Where is your responsibility in everything? Or would you rather play the dumb damsel in distress? When you meet a man… in the club, grocery store, church… wherever, from that moment on you are playing 50% in what you allow to happen to you.

Oh and I’m not sure what makes ANY woman think [excuse my French] that her p*ssy is just SO good that it can turn a man from a dog to a gentleman. If he was a dog before you met him and you knew that, if he was a dog to you when you met him and you accepted it… you have no right to complain when you let him become your man and he cheats or your baby’s father and he’s a dead beat.  

Seriously… want better for yourself…

As females, we need to take more responsibility and more time and patience when choosing the man we want to be OUR man. This is why becoming friends FIRST is imperative. Build a strong foundation and be patient when learning about each other. Never think that you will be that “special one” to change this man into what you want him to be. The last girl couldn’t do it, and most likely you won’t be the one to either. Get out of the fantasy world and stop adding to the fatherless generations of children produced day in and day out. I’m just so sick of women pointing all the fingers at men when that was the man you CHOSE to lay down and make that child with. Having a baby by him is not going to keep him around, keep him from cheating, or keep him in the house. If he is a good man, he will be a good man regardless but if you’ve seen the “dog” signs in him… please let him go. By keeping him around all you are doing is adding to the problem. 

10.06.2010

Don't Be Shallow Hal

Why some females prefer a "less attractive" man...

Have you ever been out and seen a beautiful female trouncing down the sidewalk holding the hand of a not so attractive guy and wonder… what the hell are those 2 doing together? It happens everyday, and people constantly complain about seeing it. But, why?

I frequently (usually half-jokingly) mention that I have a love and attraction for “ugly men”. Last night I tweeted saying that I am not a shallow person and this is proven by my attraction to less attractive males. Now, to clarify before I get into my opinion on them, I don’t go out in the world searching for a mediocre man. Nor do I purposely date “below” myself to make myself feel better or to raise my esteem. Anyone that knows me knows I have more confidence than a little bit.

A lot of females actually agreed with my opinion and all of the males of course were enthralled with why I felt the way I did. My reasoning behind my comment though is that I’ve been approached by/ gotten to know/dated a pretty wide spectrum of guys with different looks. And I’ve definitely found that no, while not ALL really sexy guys lack in personality, about 75% of them are full of themselves and just not my type. I’ve found that the more mediocre men do seem to have overall better qualities, treat females better and are WAY more humble. Someone asked me how do the “ugly” guys know that they are ugly and do I tell them. Of course not! It’s not necessary. I guess, I shouldn’t actually categorize them as “ugly” because obviously I find many things about them attractive. But to mainstream society I guess they would be “decent” or “mediocre”. In reality, people’s attractiveness and unattractiveness comes down to personality and attitude. There are plenty of females I know that tons of guys will have sex with but no one will date because while they might be a 10 on the outside, their personality is UGLY. They have attitudes, drama and because of their looks think they are God’s gift to everyone. Guys are no different. Many of the really attractive guys I meet are great on the surface, and definitely yummy eye candy. But, once you get down to it, they know they look good and because so many females have jumped hoops and bent over backwards every which way for them, they seem to think everyone is going to do the same. NEGATIVE. They just got marked down 3 points. So as far as I’m concerned, while they might appear to be 10’s – they too are just 6’s or 7’s.

I also think that while a less attractive man might have less to lose and might get less quantity of females – their odds are higher at getting a better QUALITY female. This is because woman like myself will date/give a man a chance who may be a 6 or 7 look wise, but makes up for it in a multitude of areas: they have a great personality, they are more caring, appreciate more, have eclectic style, etc. In the end it’s all about remaining HUMBLE. If you look good, and clearly you KNOW you look good and everyone around can SEE you look good – do you really have to walk around letting everyone know?

Don’t get my words mixed up now – I’m not saying that when a good man that is very attractive comes along I discount him simply because I think he will be a jerk, that’s not the case. It just helps to have an even balance. And if a less attractive man with a wonderful personality comes along, I would take him over the conceited stank attitude man, ANY day. I will end the same way I ended the convo last night: “For the record, I don’t actually go after unattractive men. It’s just usually how my attraction works out. And for the record -- I’m not sure why all of you guys are automatically categorizing yourselves as attractive. Be careful, you might fit in the “ugly” category too!” *wink*